I'm Pretty When I Cry SOLO fin

Panting slightly, Ami stormed into the Abandoned Toilets from the Great Hall, her cat Leo right on her heels. If it had been a cartoon, she most certainly would have steam billowing out of her ears, with her clenched jaw and steely stare. Entering the Abandoned Toilets by practically kicking the door open, Leo scrambled into a far corner as he watched his owner completely freak out. With an ear-shattering scream, she flung her book bag aside and collapsed in one of the toilet stalls, punching the wood of the stall divider angrily. And then, with another anguished wail, she let the tears come flooding out.

Ever since the night of the Bootleg Blossom Ball, Ami hadn't let herself cry. She absolutely refused to, because she had nothing to be sorry about, right? It wasn't like her entire friendship with her best friend in the entire universe had fallen apart, or that she suddenly felt like she had no idea who she was, anymore. And it wasn't like she could feel her ties to everyone she'd ever cared about slipping, the red strings binding her to everyone else slipping out of her sweating palms. She wasn't questioning her self-identity at all, not wondering if people hated her but just pretended to like her. No, that would be ridiculous. She was fine, everything was fine.

Except, of course, it wasn't. She'd tried so very hard to keep it all together, mostly for her own sake, but she could feel the walls tumbling down around her. The person she used to be, the terribly morbid and dark person who used to inhabit her body, the very person she had worked so hard to banish was starting to creep back in, and she could feel the self-doubt she'd pushed away starting to strengthen its grip on her mind. Screaming loudly, again, she could feel the hot and heavy tears rolling down her cheeks, dripping onto her shirt or trailing into her mouth.

Okay. Ami could hear the voice, that voice that had taken over her thoughts that night behind the Groundskeeper's Cabin with Dorian and Eris. The voice she'd banished from her mind two years ago- anytime the voice tried to return, she'd sent it packing without hesitation. But tonight, she cracked the door open a little to listen to what it had to say. So let's take stock, then. Taking a deep, shuddering breath, Ami closed her eyes tightly, leaning her head back against the wall of the bathroom.

So your best friend left you because you're a stubborn, selfish asshole who always thinks she's right. And instead of talking to the girl you love more than anyone else in the world, you create a whole other persona and flirt with everyone possible as him to compensate for the fact that you have the most un-likable personality ever. And you're hiding yourself from anyone and everyone who's even remotely close to you, because no one can help the great and mighty Ami Charity Procoppio, even though pretty much everything you do is just some serious manspreading bullshit. Am I forgetting anything?

"SHUT UP!" Ami screamed, slamming her fist against the wooden stall again, this time cracking the creaking, decrepit boards. There was no doubt that she'd break clean through the boards if she kept sitting here. Leo jumped slightly, eyeing his sobbing owner with concern, although he made no move to go over and comfort her. "Shut up," she wailed, clenching her jaw tightly. "That's... not who I am... not anymore..." She was going crazy, wasn't she? Talking to herself in an empty bathroom? To a voice in her head that she liked to pretend was someone else? "You don't know me."

Silly goose, the voice chided, I AM you. You were awfully strange at dinner, weren't you? Acting the way you did, in front of all of your classmates and friends... You ought to be ashamed of yourself, you know. And on top of that, you've decided that the best way to spend your time is by prancing around, pretending that you're some sort of hot shot detective, just to impress some lowly first year because your only source of confidence is from other's validation. You're pathetic.

"YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!" she shrieked, turning to punch straight through the wall. Her knuckles were bleeding now, but she'd deal with that later. All she could see now was red, and her tears were blurring her vision pretty heavily. "I am FINE. I am STILL ME. You're just a stupid voice in my head." Huffing slightly, tears still streaming down her face, Ami shot to her feet. Pacing around the bathroom, she muttered, "I got rid of you once, I can get rid of you again. I've grown, I've matured. You haven't."

Please, the voice scoffed, you still carry that stupid notebook Lear gave you around like it some sort of lucky charm. You still act like a little girl, like everything will be alright. Don't lie to yourself, dear.

"You don't know what you're talking about!" Ami screeched, yanking her boot off her foot and throwing it at the mirror. The glass cracked, shattering across the entire surface, with several pieces chipping off and spilling into the sink. If a professor caught her vandalizing the school... well, at least it was just an abandoned bathroom. She'd repair everything later... but right now, that was the last thing that was on her mind. Her entire body was trembling with rage and fear, her face blotchy from her screaming and crying. "I am me," she growled, her knuckles aching in protest and she repeatedly punched the sinks, "I am still me. I have grown. I don't need a stupid voice to tell me what to do or how to feel, so get out of my head!"

Panting slightly, Ami finally stopping punching things, her bloodied hands dropping to her sides. Staring at her reflection in the cracked mirror, her chest heaving up and down, she sneered at the sorry state she was in. Red eyes and nose, her skin blotchy and colored pink, her hair a mess and the bags under her eyes far too prominent for a 14-year-old... Any person with a drop of common sense would be able to tell that this Hufflepuff was not alright. Cracking a cynical smile, Ami cackled uncontrollably, letting the tears flow freely from her eyes once more. "You're ugly!" she crowed loudly, laughing hysterically as if it was the funniest thing in the world.

Once she had finally regained control of herself, Ami retrieved her wand and slowly repaired everything she'd damaged, although it took her wavering voice and shaking hands a few times to get the Mending Charm to work in her favor. Once everything had been restored to its former, decrepit state, Ami dug around in her bookbag until she found the notebook Lear had given to her two years ago, in the common room. Flipping open to the very first page, she smiled wryly at the words she'd written- Your life is more than mashed potatoes. It's a whole Thanksgiving feast. What did that even mean? For the life of her, she simply couldn't recall just why she'd thought those words were important enough to scrawl across the first page.

"A whole Thanksgiving feast..." she repeated slowly, before gently closing the notebook and placing it back into her bag with a confused shake of her head. She needed to get back to the Hufflepuff common room and clean up her hands before anyone asked who else she'd beaten up that evening. She didn't exactly want to explain how she'd gotten into a fistfight with a bathroom stall and a mirror, so it would be best if she hurried back now, while everyone was still at dinner. Sniffing slightly, she gathered all her things, hoisting her book bag onto her shoulder as she stared at her reflection in the dirty mirror.

"Go away."

I'm afraid I can't do that, darling.