22 Jan 2020, 16:56
It's where my demons hide
Opeila held on tightly to the instrument she held in her hands. Everything inside her was about to either laugh, scream, or cry. Or all at the same time. She had sent Hardin home a few days ago with a short letter for her dad, but about a minute ago he sat at the bottom of the big stairs, together with another owl. Both looked a little tired from carrying their package from England to Scotland. When Opeila had opened the package, her heart had skipped a beat, just to beat twice as fast after. Her dad had sent her her beloved violin.
She had missed it so much. Sure, she had found two other violins in the castle, but this one... She felt like she reconnected with a part of her body that she hadn't really noticed was missing.
The Slytherin now walked towards the great lake. Nobody else was there, most people stayed inside or just away after a few incidences with the giant squid. Opeila didn't mind it's company, even though she was sure, that it still hated her. As long as she fed him, he was fine, as soon as she stopped, he was probably thinking of feeding on her instead. Again, she had a sandwich for her frienemy inside her bag.
She through it in the water and watched as the squid pulled it under the surface. "You wouldn't hesitate for a second to do the same with me if I fell in, would you?", she asked, smiling a little. Then she walked towards the tree she met Ruka lying under and sat against it.
She closed her eyes as she started to play and let her thoughts wander off.
When the days are cold
And the cards all fold
And the saints we see
Are all made of gold
Was her mother aware of the things that happened around her? Or was she slowly fading away for good? She didn't know.
There were so many things she wanted to tell the woman, she had hated and loved so deeply forever. That was, what she meant in the letter. She wasn't sure if the guilt would break her if she died, but it would surely consume her for months, maybe years. If she lost her mother, all she had left, was a father who loved who she was, but hated what she was. Maybe he would even trade her for Maybell.
When your dreams all fail
And the ones we hail
Are the worst of all
And the blood's run stale
Her dreams did fail. She had dreamt of a new start here. A different life. Sure, a different life it was, but it had been while she was at Hogwarts, that her fears kept her awake and then turned into reality. She had hoped to find friends, and thought that Jack Burnett could be one. And of course, again she had made a choice that would rip another piece out of her soul. Was that her punishment for thinking about her parents like she did? For being the one thing that stood between her poor sister and a normal childhood? For having her mother being consumed by guilt and because of that burying herself in the cellar with the chemistry set that would probably have her killed someday?
She wouldn't be surprised. Sure, it was not actively her fault, but how would that make any difference? It was not a driver's fault if a child ran in front of his car, but it would be him who the mother would blame, him who would blame himself. He would be the one who killed the child. How was that in theory different from what she had done?
It was not Jack, who did wrong. He had saved himself. From caring about her. Maybe that wasn't that bad after all.
I want to hide the truth
I want to shelter you
But with the beast inside
There's nowhere we can hide
A stupid muggle song that was. But it had a nice tune. And now it seemed to describe her life. Maybe she should add this to the list of songs she had for herself.
She was hiding, just like Jack was, she realized. She had been hiding her past from everyone, except Jack. Him, she had shown the hiding place. And then Jack had left his. A little. But it had scared him and he ran back in. How could she blame him for it if it would scare her just as much if she pulled her past out in the open for everyone to see? She couldn't.
No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come
When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide
Don't get too close
It's dark inside
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide
Was it dark inside her? Yes, probably. It was the home of all her fears and thoughts and worries. Her demons. And if someone got too close, she snapped. She had done it with poor Lilian Doll, who she was still angry with. Who did that girl think it was? It had assumed to know what was going on inside her. But hadn't she done the same in the letter she had sent to Jack? Made assumptions and treated them as facts? Jack was right. She shouldn't talk like she did. She shouldn't think like she did. What was wrong with her?
When the curtain's call
Is the last of all
When the lights fade out
All the sinners crawl
So they dug your grave
And the masquerade
Will come calling out
At the mess you made
She had made a mess. At least with Jack. He had tried to protect himself from things he had experienced in the past, like she was, how could she have ever thought about that like it was something wrong?
Guilt washed over her like a wave of cold water. How could she?
It was no wonder that there was no such thing as a friend for her. Sure, Amy could be, but what did she know about Amy? And what did Amy know about her?
Her thoughts were walking down a dangerous path now. She had been at this place before, balancing on the edge of a cliff, tempted to just jump. Her parents had organized a therapist for her back then... Parents who weren't even able to solve their own problems, let alone their daughter's. Opeila was alone.
Don't want to let you down
But I am hell bound
Though this is all for you
Don't want to hide the truth
No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come
She didn't want to let her parents down. Or Jack. But what should she do in order not to? In her parents' matter she was powerless. All she could do was waiting and she didn't even know if that was, what they expected from her. Did her dad expect her to drop out of Hogwarts when he sent her the letter? Had she disappointed him?
With Jack it was a two way road. She didn't know whiche way would lead to a sudden end and which would be easier to walk on. Opeila had always thought of herself as someone sharp, but right now she felt very stupid and helpless. Why couldn't she just be strong?
When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide
Don't get too close
It's dark inside
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide
They say it's what you make
I say it's up to fate
It's woven in my soul
I need to let you go
Your eyes, they shine so bright
I want to save their light
I can't escape this now
Unless you show me how
When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide
Don't get too close
It's dark inside
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide
Who was she fooling anyway? This wasn't only about Jack. She let her own demons take over and bent it so she could live with what she did, didn't she? It was her, being scared of being alone. She made everything harder. She wasn't helping anyone. Ever. She was always making things complicated.
She didn't know at what point she had started to cry but when she stopped playing, she could feel the tears on her face. Why couldn't she just be strong. Mind her own business. Avoid to get hurt, stick to what she says in the beginnig... She couldn't. Opeila wasn't strong. She wasn't a fighter. She was a stupid little girl, trying to be more than she was and hurting people no matter what she did.
She deserved to be punished.
Opeila looked at the surface of the lake. What would her giant frienemy do, if she splashed in the water a little? Would he brandish another tentacle at her? Or would he take her out for good...
Without ever realizing, Opeila had gotten up and walked close to the water.
The girl stood there for a while, the violin still in her hand. She was tempted to tease the animal, just to see what would happen. And that was bad.
Reducio
-Monologue-