Bruised Ego pv M. Haynes Closed

The air was thick; rain was on the horizon. It was a perfect time for Joy Marianna Haynes, otherwise known as Mari, to make her debut to the real world once more.

Since the Blossom Ball, Mari had refused to do anything but sleep, eat, and study. It was the only way to cope with the realities of what her life had become. She was now "that girl"; one who would go down in Hogwarts history as one of the people who had dealt with the mysterious men of the ball. Granted, there were quite a few names on that list, but Mari was different. Mari was special. She deserved her tears, deserved to be pitied.

Every morning, she woke up and began her day with a nice wail over toast and orange juice. She would not eat in the Great Hall, of course; she would choose to smuggle her breakfast out to the Abandoned Toilets, another site of unhappy memories. A few times she choked on her large bites of bread, from shaking so violently from the memories. Moaning Myrtle need not haunt the toilets anymore, for Moaning Mari - the late (she was alive, unfortunately), great, new presence of Hogwarts' porcelain palace - had taken up residency there. After a solid a poetic thirty minutes of sobs, she would usually attend class. Certainly people were talking about her there; she was the Mari, the one who had nearly gotten killed. Never mind the other people who were at the cabins; she was the one who had been gripped the longest. The people of Hogwarts needed to see her to remember that she was still alive despite her traumas, see her pitiful self and remember that she was so brave for facing classes.

She was surprised that Lear hadn't reached out to her and offered to cancel her exams. Mari deserved it, after all, even if exams were still weeks away. Why hadn't her professors told him about how she was so devoted to her studies that she still showed up, albeit somewhat sporadically, with the tears leaving paper trails of her presence? Maybe they were just keeping their distance because they had not been kidnapped like she. They surely wouldn't know how to talk to such a poor girl.

After a few classes, and before a few others, she'd return back to her toilet-table for another arbitrary meal, finishing her day with a few quill scratches on some homework. Her grades went up; she had even gotten a few O's. It was probably because the professors had felt bad for her, of course. They wouldn't talk to her, but they would give her grace in other ways. Either way, her family was quite pleased: Isa delivered praises in her owls, and though Ewan often inquired on her well-being ("I'm managing," she'd write, bravely), he also commented on how proud he was of her.

Her day would end with her crying herself to sleep. Occasionally she'd remember that grip and run her hands over the spots that had once had bruises. If someone had tried to comfort her, she would brush them off. They only wanted her glory; they didn't want to actually help her.

Today, she decided, was appropriate day to show that she was "thriving." At this point, reality was blurred; she couldn't really grasp true conclusions of what happened that night at the cabins, but what she could gather was that only fighters won. She had done the meek, innocent part. What had it brought her? More pain, more suffering. Although her change could come as this reality sharpened, one thing was clear: Mari Haynes, loner from Hufflepuff was no more. Well, she was still a loner, of course. But inside, she was different. It was appropriate that she never went by Joy, for joy seemed to elude her now.

Why was today so appropriate? Because the rain would match her tears. The rain would show that it was crying with her. Morning and night, over the last few days, she'd peek outside windows to see if the rain would come. Finally, it seemed imminent. For the first time in over a month, a small smile crept onto Mari's face as she acquired the appropriate things to bring outside: her robes (no jacket), a journal (no water-repelling charm on it), a quill. She'd bring her shoes, of course, but only because she hoped she could get ill so she could truly prove how brave she was for facing all of her trials and tribulations.

To the average person, if they could hear her thoughts, it would be obvious that something was clearly wrong with Mari. Mari just thought that this was right. It didn't matter what other people thought anymore; other people were the enemy. They did not deserve friendship. Loyalty should only be reserved for oneself.

She creeped along towards the Great Lake, eyes remarkably dry, though she continued running through all of her woes in her head. A moment too late, she realized that she had stepped on a twig; a moment after the crack, she muttered, "Damn." A moment after that, when she realized the girl had spotted her, she said louder, "Damn!" She was still too scared to go for worse curse words, but her tight lips were no longer - she was comfortable with minor swears. It just felt better and rolled off the tongue easily.

There, before her, was Illowy, last name unknown, but probably something like Maggot or Madwoman. They had met once previously, and Mari knew that, like her house, she was a snake. It was thus of no surprise that the words that came out of Illowy's mouth were, "What? Come to shove me in the lake in hopes the giant squid will get me or something?"

Mari gulped; irritation engulfed her. Here she was, just trying to embody her new identity as that sad little girl who survived a kidnapping at a school-sanctioned dance, the girl who was so brave to still go to Hogwarts and show her face in public, and that damned girl had to verbally attack her. She looked up at the darkening clouds; the rain had yet to come, so her tears could wait. It'd have more dramatic effect if she started crying at the same time, anyway. She could be angry, just this moment. Illowy could be dealt with, now. She wouldn't dare let the snake slither into her plan.

So Mari had to get rid of her. "No," she responded briskly, "I wouldn't dare insult the Giant Squid by feeding you to him." She crossed her arms and looked at the girl, adding, "Besides, I have better things to do, anyway." Like show how brave you are.

While she waited for the girl to leave, Mari took off her shoes and set them beside her. She began to dip her feet in the water; illness would come quicker if she sped up the process. The lake's brisk water awoke a sensation quite unfamiliar to Mari, emotions confused. Only time would tell how these emotions manifested themselves into Mari's reality.

The girl gave a roll of her cold, blue eyes, ceasing the flipping of her pencil to add a couple more fine lines to her drawing. Her gaze only shifted to the girl again when she shuffled around to sit as well, taking off her shoes and dipping her feet in the dark water, "What are you doing? Trying to catch your death?" she muttered.

Talk about all of the terrible things that happened during the Blossom festivities had been ringing through the halls nonstop. Everyone knew at least one messed up thing that went on and it was impossible for the little gossips to stop talking about. It was freaky, strange, and above all, terrifying. Even Illowy had fallen victim to the unfortunate events.

When the Blossom Ball had gone up in flames, she'd been among the students who had risked everything to try to stop, or at least slow the growing flames until proper help had arrived. Evendence of that was hidden beneath the heavy sweater in the form of plenty of burn salve and arms and palms well dressed and maintained in bandages. Just as well, her lungs still hadn't recovered quite yet from the smoke inhalation, keeping her breaths short and occasionally wheezy.

But her night hadn't ended there. She'd also made the decision to follow a boy into the forest to try to apprehend the girl who had started the blaze. That lone choice, she realized now in retrospect, wasn't exactly her best; but at least she hadn't let her friend go in alone. That which she'd paid witness to in the forest, even still, she refused to talk about on any level. Terrible things happen in that forest, she'd heard.... but now she knew.

Perhaps that was the greatest difference between her and the Hufflepuff. Some thrive in the wake of tragedy, wallowing the the pity and tears of the wrongs taken towards them. Illowy, however, would have rather let the forest consume her entirely then allow someone to take pity on her. In her mind, the bravest way she could face it was by accepting it as something that had happened and moving on. After all, if she ever found herself struggling with the events, she had her friends who had been with her to turn to.

Damn. Illowy didn't leave; she had spoken to her.

The snake had spoken, but it hadn't bitten her. Yet. Mari didn't know who to trust anymore, who to believe. Everyone was out to get her, no one was her friend. Strangers attacked her left and right. This girl had verbally attacked her before, she was verbally attacking her now. Based on her past experiences of late with people at Hogwarts, Mari just assumed that soon the fight would turn physical. It was inevitable.

Illowy could wait for a response. Her feet and lower legs weren't numb yet from the ice-cold lake. If the lake numbed her, then perhaps she could handle life once more, feel less pain. At the very least, maybe she could deal with this idiot in front of her, idiotic for deciding to talk to Mari in the first place instead of just leaving her alone.

She rubbed her eyes as she waited. Insomnia had hit hard last night; the nightmares of the fire licking at her skin kept her awake. Mari had kept her sobs a bit more muffled than usual, but she wondered if - no, she hoped that - the other girls in her dorm had heard. They needed to know how much she was suffering, how brave she was to still act like everything was normal, how impressive it was that the only thing she did that was strange to cope was hope that the coldness of the lake's water could remind her of how it felt to be numb.

On second thought, the ice-cold heart of Illowy could probably do the same. She'd keep her legs in the lake, yes, but maybe conversing with the Slytherin would speed up the process. It would, at least, distract her from the crippling misery. She did feel quite a suspicious bubble of heat in the bottom of her stomach, perhaps resembling a rage yet realized.

What would be the best way to get the girl to realize that Mari was changed, was someone who needed to be pitied? Affirm. "Yes," she said solemnly, contorting her body so that she could look at Illowy while her legs remained in the water. "That or seriously maimed. I hear it's a great form of therapy."

A small smile crossed her face. Its meaning would be ambiguous, potentially interpreted as malicious or somber. What Mari mainly wanted, though, was pity. She deserved it. This Slytherin likely hadn't even attended the ball, she was such a friendless loser. And she should consider herself lucky. Magic may have cured all of Mari's physical scars, but the emotional ones ripped and sliced at her every day. And this awful girl didn't have to deal with any of that, yet she still chose to be nasty. Mari hoped the shock of her affirmation to the question could wipe the smug smile off of her face.

A small tear trickled down Mari's face. Even if she thought about her life in the most abstract way possible, tears were inevitable. Tears still had their same meaning as before the ball: self-pity. Though now, instead of of crying because she fell or felt uncomfortable, she cried for a real reason - because she had experienced trauma, because she deserved to cry. She did not wipe the tear; this girl needed to know she deserved such pain. Maybe if Illowy hadn't been so nasty when Mari had first met her in the library, Mari's life path would not have led her to the cabins at the Blossom Ball, at the very least. She could excuse Illowy from blame for the Toilets Incident, at the very least. She hadn't even known her then.

Why was she here, anyway, taking up valued space? Mari should probably ask; it's only kind to ask people why they were here. She couldn't help that the question came out as a snarl, simple mistake, nothing to do with the fact that Illowy had greeted her with the same warmth: "And what are you doing here? Trying to ruin someone else's life?"

Mari Haynes used to not be one for dramatics. Now, it seemed, dramatic was her middle name.

When the girl stayed quiet, Illowy could only naturally decide that the other was ignoring her question, and with a small roll of her eyes, she turned away. Placing her pencil between her teeth, the brunette reached for a blending stump, carefully smudging the graphite section by section as she worked on the shading. It was perhaps only a minute or two of doing this that she caught Mari's movement in the corner of her eye once more.

"Yes."

Illowy turned her head for a moment, pale blue eyes studying the Hufflepuff for a moment, taking the pencil from her teeth and tucking it behind her ear before hues fell away once more to the sketchbook in her lap, "Well then," her voice rasped a little and she paused a moment, coughing into her sleeve in an attempt to normalize her voice, "that's quite dark..." she observed quietly. With a couple strokes of the blending stump, she glanced at Mari again, noticing the strange expression as the single tear dripping down her face.

Part of her felt she ought to have some empathy for such a sight, the other part decided there was no point in showing such care to someone who surely had it out for her for no good reason. However, in spite of weather or not Illowy paid any mind to the girl's behavior, it seemed she was bent on inserting herself into Illowy's business once again anyway.

With a slightly exasperated sigh, the girl shrugged, trying to mind her own sharp tongue, "I'm drawing." she tilted the book slightly to give the other a short glimpse. Parts of the paper were clearly already ruined with water stains, but Illowy was set on making do with it. Art, music, dancing, they were all softer sides of the girl she rarely put on display; and even she had to figure such talents would have been the last thing Mari would've guess she possessed, "I do find it ironic that you still think I'm out to get people when I'm clearly by myself, once again, not doing anything to anyone." just like in the library when everyone approached me first, and yet she still took the blame in the Hufflepuff's eyes.

Dropping the blending stump back in her art case, Illowy took the pencil back from behind her ear, the moment causing the over-sized sleeve of her sweater to fall a bit, revealing the dressings around her hand that crawling up her wrist, the end of which was hidden somewhere up into her sleeve. Illowy had chosen to use herb salves and pain potions for her healing, hearing her mother's words echo in her mind that some lessons had to be felt, and occasionally that means scares will remain so you won't forget.

The girl ran her tongue momentarily over the scab on her lip, doing her best not to get herself into another situation like the other day. She still didn't feel strong enough to deal with it yet. Nimbly, she twirled her pencil through her fingers, a typical habit when the girl was thinking, "What do you care, though, yeah? I'm just a... how'd your house mate put it the other day? A quivering snake in the mud?" she did her best to keep her voice steady and tone neutral, then pressed her lips in a tight line as she went back through the events. The only silver lining to have come out of that day was Finn, coming to the rescue for her and making sure she was okay.

It didn't make the fact of what had happened any less upsetting, though. It had still left her jumpy and led her to wanting to be more secluded then she already was.

Selfish idiot, Illowy was a selfish idiot, not even really taking the time to devote her full attention to Mari's woes, woes she deserved. And then, all she had to say was that Mari's pain was "dark?" Scratch it all, Illowy wasn't an idiot. She was the devil.

She rolled her eyes and silently turned back towards the water. Illowy had had quite the opposite effect on her; though Mari wanted to be numb, she felt the heat of frustration and anger gurgling within her stomach bile. Those turkey sandwiches she had eaten earlier now felt like fire in her gut.

The snake hissed something that Mari supposed was words. She supposed she could give what she was saying some attention, though she didn't really want to. There were some nice words, like "I'm drawing." But then there were some not as pleasant ones, accusing Mari of attacking when she hadn't even started the argument in the library in the first place. Arguments and the destruction of relationships were often resulting from misunderstandings; this situation was no different. Illowy just didn't understand that she was wrong.

Mari bit her tongue to stop herself from fighting, for she knew that the Slytherin was too dense to understand the other side of the situation. Illowy thought she was a victim, but she wasn't the victim. What was that trite phrase? Sticks and stones may break my bones but words may never hurt me? She turned to eye the girl suspiciously, still silent. She looked like no one had touched her, ever. Probably she wasn't loved. Shame, but either way, she didn't deserve as much sympathy as Mari, the one who truly suffered.

And then, she moved in such a way that a bandage was revealed. Mari scoffed as she stared intently at the girl, now noting that she also had a scabbed lip. She probably had heard that others had been injured in the Blossom Ball and wanted attention for herself. In a face of mixed emotion - part faux-sadness, part clear disbelief - she pretended to show interest: "Oh, what happened?"

Mari didn't really care to hear the lie. She moved herself more into the water, forcing herself to stand so the water's cool touch reached her knees. The damned girl was talking again; she couldn't bear to have any silence without putting attention back on herself, could she? Mari made a slight "buzz" noise with her lips as Illowy spoke, though she still could hear the words. Illowy was a bee, a nuisance bee that would not stop forcing itself upon her when all she wanted was for everything to just stop.

"I have no idea what you're talking about." She murmured. Maybe she had heard that analogy, but the library had been such a fast-paced experience, and the Blossom Ball had been much more momentous that the phrase was no longer written in her memory. She needed a pensive, something she could dive into the remember the good times so that her mind wouldn't just go back to the traumas. Not that she wanted to remember meeting Illowy...or Illowy at all for that matter...but, still.

She beckoned toward the girl with a mysterious smile on her face. "Come here. The water feels great." The invitation was spontaneous, as would be Mari's next action. She just wanted to see if Illowy would take the bait, first.

Illowy pulled her sleeve down a bit, leaving only her fingers free to be seen when the girl pointed out her dressings, "I got burned trying to put out the fire at the Blossom Ball..." she spoke plainly, not wanting to press any further into the events of that night. It still haunted her in a way she'd only been able to express through her outlets. It wasn't the fire that woke her in cold sweats at 3am. No, it was the forest, and the terrible things she'd seen within it, that clasped itself around her like a wet, frozen cloth that wouldn't thaw.

What the Gryffindor boy might've said to others about it, she wasn't sure, but she'd chosen to keep her mouth shut about the entire thing. In her mind, it was as though if she dared mention it, it might come back again for her, flooding her mind with sadness and emptiness until there was nothing left of her.

That wouldn't have meant anything to the Hufflepuff, though. That girl had made up her mind about Illowy before she could even open her mouth. Changing her mind was bound to be as herculean of a task as sowing a whole field with a single grain of corn. It wasn't going to happen. Even now, when she spoke, she could tell the girl wasn't listening worth a lick.

Then suddenly, Mari offered another of her strange smiles, egging her into the water where she still knee deep. If anything, it creeped her out. Illowy rose a brow, "The water is freezing, and I don't swim." maybe not so much don't as it was can't. Sure there were beaches in her city, but she never really went swimming in them. It simply had never been her interest or need to learn.

In an alternate universe, the normal Mari would have not been in the lake and comforted the girl for her experience at the Blossom Ball. Really? She would have said, scared but somewhat eager, a sign of innocence. I'm so sorry. You...don't need to share. But you're welcome to talk to me about it.

Unfortunately, that was not reality. Mari was a bit shocked to hear that the Slytherin girl had had enough friends to even go to the Blossom Ball (a great irony, given that she had ended up at the cabins bringing cups of juice and cupcakes for the "possible friends that may be there," comfortable enough if those friends were merely imaginary). She quickly composed herself while looking away from the girl and said nothing.

Her one goal was to see if Illowy would take her bait and come in the water. Nothing else mattered. Nothing ever mattered except fighting, making others feel your suffering, and getting sympathy. When she didn't, Mari sighed and grumbled in a way that it would be apparent that she wanted the other girl to hear, "You're no fun."

She shouldn't have been surprised, after all. All Illowy had shown her is that she didn't like to laugh, didn't like to meet new people, jumped to conclusions about others. Illowy didn't even seem to know the meaning of the word "empathy." If she did, she would be all over Mari, clearly, wanting to comfort her. Perhaps if she did, Mari would snap out of whatever crazed personality she had developed.

But Illowy didn't, and in turn, Mari remained the insane person she had become. As Illowy didn't seem to want to give sympathy, Mari knew that she would have to resort to one of the other two modes of what mattered. Shivering ever so slightly, she dampened the arm of her robe as she reached into the water and motioned to splash the Slytherin with the cold water. The mysterious grin remained on her face as she watched to see if it would hit her target.

Mari's comment barely phased her. Why should Illowy care what the other thought of her? The words were nothing she hadn't heard before from other students who didn't like her, be it for her attitude or her aptitude. Though if she had ever been a fun or interesting person to be around, for now that was completely wiped from her. Not since the incident in the forest. The girl was still recovering from damages it had left on her mind, and she was advised it would be a time before she felt like herself again.

Instead of retorting back, Illowy continued on with her work. That was, until the other dared to splash at her, throwing the freezing water up the side of her. The sudden chill made her gasp, the gasp pained her lungs dropped her into a coughing fit. She recovered after a moment or two, but her anger was ignited, "What the bloody hell is your problem?" she snapped. The Slytherin threw her sketchbook closed, turning to start tossing her things into her bag, "I never did anything to you and you're here acting like you're not the full shilling!" the girl pulled her sleeve over her hand to wipe away a couple of droplets that had hit her face.

Finally, finally Illowy did something interesting. Something that Mari could capitalize on. She was just a poor, innocent soul who had nearly gotten kidnapped, and yet this girl was yelling at her for no reason. At least, that's how it would look to the passersby. Mari grinned mysteriously as she watched the girl lurch into a coughing fit, and when she had recovered from the shock of cold water, she took the yells, letting tears run down her face in response.

Mari had turned into quite the illogical person since the Blossom Ball. She wanted to be attacked, yet victimized herself at the same time. It seemed she now thrived on pain and suffering, as well as comfort - an interesting mix. If someone were to happen upon the pair and give Mari condolences, she would be quite pleased. However, she was just as pleased with the yells, even if he tears said otherwise. Pain could be a wondrous thing.

"Of course I think that," she began, "All you've done since I've met you was insulted me. I was never trying to spy on you, and instead you just attacked me and those girls that were also there. I did not appreciate it, and I still don't."

She frowned as she looked at the girl, wondering if she should try to get more yells or look for sympathy. Perhaps she would leave the ball on her side of the pitch, instead. She was a snake, after all; if Mari's prejudices were right, she would likely just keep yelling on her own, anyway. She had no problems with that and would not mind seeing what other insults the girl had up her sleeve.