17 Mar 2020, 23:34
Running out of Air
Date: 14th of March
Time: 1.45 am
Opeila couldn't breathe. The Slytherin was running through the corridors, barefooted, but this time with Flash's coat wrapped around her. Her heart pounded like a drum, her breaths were short and cut off by sobs. Somewhere in her subconscious, she knew that she was panicking, but she couldn't help it. Couldn't fight it. She couldn't. She couldn't escape the pain that had put it's claws into her chest and seemed to go deeper everytime she breathed in.
What was she even running from? She wasn't sure. There was no physical opponent. Nothing she could hide from. Be protected from. But as long as she kept moving, she felt like she could keep it from tearing her apart. So she ran through the castle, tears streaming down her face, sobbing, not giving a damn about the noise she was making. It felt physical somehow. She felt like she was running from a shadow that would catch her, consume her. And that scared the twelve year old to death. Opeila didn't know what it was that made her think, that she wouldn't survive being touched by the shadow. Was it a sign? Some sort of seer's feeling? No.
The first year found her way out of the castle, the physical labyrinth that she had been running through a second ago, not paying attention to the direction. She held herself on a sculpture, panting, crying, shooting looks around her. Now she saw, where she was. She was in the courtyard. The sculpture belonged to the fountain in the middle. That was the last thing she saw, before she was caught by her inner shadows. And collapsed in the middle of the courtyard.
Her mother. She wouldn't see her mother again. She felt it. Deep inside she felt it.
And it made her throat tighten like someone pulled on a rope that was tied around her neck. She sobbed in pain and grief, gasping for air and shaking. Opeila's hair was a brown tangled mess, that covered parts of the little girl, that was curled up on the floor. Her face flooded by tears.
What did she want to say to her mother? Nothing. Everything. She wanted to hug her. Have a mother for the last time. She would wrap her arms around her and tell her that she loved her, that she forgave her, something she hadn't told Fioria Seilun in years. Why didn't she? How could she take her mothers life for granted like that. "I am so sorry...", she wispered, shaking, sobbing.
Her father. Who always only wanted the best for her. Who's helpless despair she mistook for disappointment. Who yelled at her the last time they saw each other, who hit her in a moment of anger. Why would she still not speak to him? Shouldn't she have learned of it? Opeila had hurt him. She had hurt him again and again, let him feel her hatred and anger, while he tried to raise a witch on his own. Nicholas Seilun was alone. And it was Opeila's fault.
Ruka. Who she was so jealous of. She knew that she was for weeks, but now she just couldn't escape it anymore. She couldn't lie.
If there was one thing that she had seen at the birthday party, it was that Jack still cared for Ruka. That he came back to him. I wish, you had been the first. That was, what she was thinking. Or would that have made any difference? Was she just such a burden?
Yes. She realised. Yes, she was.
Opeila pulled her knees to her chest and cried. For hours she would cry out all the feelings that had been hidden inside her for so long. She was not good. For no one.
Time: 1.45 am
Opeila couldn't breathe. The Slytherin was running through the corridors, barefooted, but this time with Flash's coat wrapped around her. Her heart pounded like a drum, her breaths were short and cut off by sobs. Somewhere in her subconscious, she knew that she was panicking, but she couldn't help it. Couldn't fight it. She couldn't. She couldn't escape the pain that had put it's claws into her chest and seemed to go deeper everytime she breathed in.
What was she even running from? She wasn't sure. There was no physical opponent. Nothing she could hide from. Be protected from. But as long as she kept moving, she felt like she could keep it from tearing her apart. So she ran through the castle, tears streaming down her face, sobbing, not giving a damn about the noise she was making. It felt physical somehow. She felt like she was running from a shadow that would catch her, consume her. And that scared the twelve year old to death. Opeila didn't know what it was that made her think, that she wouldn't survive being touched by the shadow. Was it a sign? Some sort of seer's feeling? No.
The first year found her way out of the castle, the physical labyrinth that she had been running through a second ago, not paying attention to the direction. She held herself on a sculpture, panting, crying, shooting looks around her. Now she saw, where she was. She was in the courtyard. The sculpture belonged to the fountain in the middle. That was the last thing she saw, before she was caught by her inner shadows. And collapsed in the middle of the courtyard.
Her mother. She wouldn't see her mother again. She felt it. Deep inside she felt it.
And it made her throat tighten like someone pulled on a rope that was tied around her neck. She sobbed in pain and grief, gasping for air and shaking. Opeila's hair was a brown tangled mess, that covered parts of the little girl, that was curled up on the floor. Her face flooded by tears.
What did she want to say to her mother? Nothing. Everything. She wanted to hug her. Have a mother for the last time. She would wrap her arms around her and tell her that she loved her, that she forgave her, something she hadn't told Fioria Seilun in years. Why didn't she? How could she take her mothers life for granted like that. "I am so sorry...", she wispered, shaking, sobbing.
Her father. Who always only wanted the best for her. Who's helpless despair she mistook for disappointment. Who yelled at her the last time they saw each other, who hit her in a moment of anger. Why would she still not speak to him? Shouldn't she have learned of it? Opeila had hurt him. She had hurt him again and again, let him feel her hatred and anger, while he tried to raise a witch on his own. Nicholas Seilun was alone. And it was Opeila's fault.
Ruka. Who she was so jealous of. She knew that she was for weeks, but now she just couldn't escape it anymore. She couldn't lie.
If there was one thing that she had seen at the birthday party, it was that Jack still cared for Ruka. That he came back to him. I wish, you had been the first. That was, what she was thinking. Or would that have made any difference? Was she just such a burden?
Yes. She realised. Yes, she was.
Opeila pulled her knees to her chest and cried. For hours she would cry out all the feelings that had been hidden inside her for so long. She was not good. For no one.
Last edited by Opeila Winters on 18 Mar 2020, 09:34, edited 2 times in total.
18 Mar 2020, 00:25
Running out of Air
Interacting with @Opeila Seilun
Color Code: #259986
Willow had often spent her days in the courtyard during her free time, but she deeply missed being out at night under the moon. Something about today called her to be outside under the moon. She needed some time to be out in nature and existing underneath the stars that cradled her within the constellations and made her feel safe. While often people compared her to the sun, she felt a strange connection with the stars. Connection was ever present between them and while they may disappear as the Earth continued to rotate, they were always there. Especially the North Star. It gave her a sense of direction and continuity in her life more so than the moon and sun.
Something she had come to love about Hogwarts was how little light pollution there was which made the sky so vibrant. Tonight she had snuck out to be with the sky and listen to what it had to say about everything going on in her life, to see if it could provide answers or just a bright hug that told her that all will be well in the end.
As she laid in the courtyard hands crossed underneath her head, she heard quick footsteps approaching. 'Crap, someone noticed that I'm not in the dorms.' She quickly got up and scrambled to hide behind one of the trees in the courtyard before spotting someone... crying? Honestly, she understood. Crying underneath the stars always felt nice, but there was a panic or something else to this crying that made Willow's heart drop. She scanned the area quickly looking for any prefects or professors taking control before quietly approaching.
'Is that Opeila?' This raised even more questions than answers before crouching down next to her speaking to her in a soft gentle whisper. "Opeila, I'm here for you." She knew asking questions right now wouldn't be the best right now. She decided maybe leading Opeila through some breathing that might help her. "Opeila, breathe with me. You have to try to breathe." Willow exaggerated her breaths so she could hear them and slowly try to follow along, breathing in slowly for a few seconds and out for a few seconds. Her eyes stayed locked on her to try and assess if she was injured or hurt in any way, but from what she could tell this was pain of the heart. Nothing physical.
"I don't know whether to cry or scream or do both. It feels like I've done more than enough of both. And it feels like I haven't done enough." - Mason Deaver
Stamina 12 ∴ Evasion 12 ∴ Strength 5 ∴ Wisdom 12 ∵ ArcPower 10 ∵ Accuracy 15
Stamina 12 ∴ Evasion 12 ∴ Strength 5 ∴ Wisdom 12 ∵ ArcPower 10 ∵ Accuracy 15
18 Mar 2020, 00:41
Running out of Air
Opeila didn't see the other person, who she mostly thought of as the weird friendship bracelet girl in the courtyard.
She had thought that she was just as alone as she felt. As she thought that she deserved to be.
She also didn't hear the footsteps coming closer. Opeila was trapped in her head, that had turned into a place of self-hatred, pain, grief and fear, that she could not get out of. Her eyes were widened, tears streaming out of them unstoppably.
But the voice was familiar. Opeila couldn't think of a face that belonged to the voice, or a name, but she was sure that she knew the person.
The person, the girl started to talk. Opeila was still too taken up by that irrational panic to understand anything that she was saying, but the voice was calm. Friendly. And then she heard the girl breathe loudly. Opeila automatically tried to do the same. Now it was only a matter of her own thoughts. She needed to think of something nice. Think rational.
It was then that Opeila understood that she had been thinking rational. This was what she was. What she had done to others. What she felt about others.
She managed to breathe in the same rythm as the girl for about seven seconds.
Then a shiver ran through the Slytherin's body and she cried. Not that crying in panic, where she couldn't breathe and shook, it was a calmer cry, a deeper one somehow, full of grief, sadness and remorse.
@Willow Anderson
She had thought that she was just as alone as she felt. As she thought that she deserved to be.
She also didn't hear the footsteps coming closer. Opeila was trapped in her head, that had turned into a place of self-hatred, pain, grief and fear, that she could not get out of. Her eyes were widened, tears streaming out of them unstoppably.
But the voice was familiar. Opeila couldn't think of a face that belonged to the voice, or a name, but she was sure that she knew the person.
The person, the girl started to talk. Opeila was still too taken up by that irrational panic to understand anything that she was saying, but the voice was calm. Friendly. And then she heard the girl breathe loudly. Opeila automatically tried to do the same. Now it was only a matter of her own thoughts. She needed to think of something nice. Think rational.
It was then that Opeila understood that she had been thinking rational. This was what she was. What she had done to others. What she felt about others.
She managed to breathe in the same rythm as the girl for about seven seconds.
Then a shiver ran through the Slytherin's body and she cried. Not that crying in panic, where she couldn't breathe and shook, it was a calmer cry, a deeper one somehow, full of grief, sadness and remorse.
@Willow Anderson
18 Mar 2020, 16:33
Running out of Air
Interacting with @Opeila Seilun
Color Code: #259986
Opeila seemed to start to catch on and breathe with her and a small smile grew as it seemed to work. Until it didn't. Something changed and she went right back to hiding in her head. She really wished that she knew Opeila a little bit better to help her out of this, if she knew even a little bit about her this situation would be so much easier to address. She really didn't want to do this because she had no idea if this would make things better or worse but she had to do something else to get Opeila out of this.
She reached out and grabbed Opeila's face and made her looked directly in Willow's eyes. "Opeila you're safe. You're in the couryard, it's late at night." Grounding. She was an expert at it and she was trying to make Opeila present by describing the world around her. "There's a slightly chilly breeze going, it's making the leaves rustle. We're sitting on the ground. The ground is hard beneath us. The stars are right above us and so is the moon, it's a beautiful clear night. We're here. We're both here. I'm here for you. But you have to breathe. You have to stay with me and breathe." She gently lowered her hands from Opeila's face and grabbed her hands. Tapping on them to give her a sensation, a physical feeling to focus on. "Focus on breathing. Focus on the feeling of my hand tapping on yours." She started her over exaggerated breathing again, voice calm and soft still.
She had been here. Just a month after coming to Hogwarts she screamed into the Great Lake. She absolutely broke after a short amount of time at Hogwarts. It was an extremely hard adjustment, and even if that's not what this is about the crying sounded familiar. It felt familiar. Luckily someone came upon her at the Great Lake and helped her out of it, she could only hope that she was doing the same for Opeila.
"I don't know whether to cry or scream or do both. It feels like I've done more than enough of both. And it feels like I haven't done enough." - Mason Deaver
Stamina 12 ∴ Evasion 12 ∴ Strength 5 ∴ Wisdom 12 ∵ ArcPower 10 ∵ Accuracy 15
Stamina 12 ∴ Evasion 12 ∴ Strength 5 ∴ Wisdom 12 ∵ ArcPower 10 ∵ Accuracy 15
18 Mar 2020, 17:49
Running out of Air
Opeila felt a warm hand on her face, turning it around. She was forced to look into a pair of blue eyes. A familiar face. Friendship Bracelet girl? What were the chances to meet her out of all people in the courtyard after curfew. She remembere their first encounter in the icecream parlour in Diagon Alley. The Hufflepuff had given her a friendship bracelet that was now tied to the end of her bed. Back then she had her problems to take the blond girl serious. Now she held on to her words, looked into the blue eyes and tried to concentrate on her words. She was safe. The courtyard. The wind. She didn't even really feel the wind except on her bare feet, Flash's coat kept her very warm.
She focused on Willow's description, tried to pay attention to everything, feel the ground, hear the rustling leaves. Willow's hands moved on to her cold ones, tapping on them. Opeila started to count in her head. If she couldn't calm herself by thinking rational, she could only do it by not thinking at all. Opeila held on to Willows hands, breathing. Calming down. The Slytherin didn't know how to get out of this. She just layed on the floor, breathed and looked at Willow. There were still tears streaming out of the corners of her eyes, but she slowly calmed down.
Opeila knew what would follow, as soon as Willow would leave her alone. She would collaps again. Not panicking like now, but hopeless. Unsure what to do with herself. Then she started to wisper. To herself or to Willow? She wasn't sure. "How often can I fail everyone?" Her voice was shaking in pain.
@Willow Anderson
She focused on Willow's description, tried to pay attention to everything, feel the ground, hear the rustling leaves. Willow's hands moved on to her cold ones, tapping on them. Opeila started to count in her head. If she couldn't calm herself by thinking rational, she could only do it by not thinking at all. Opeila held on to Willows hands, breathing. Calming down. The Slytherin didn't know how to get out of this. She just layed on the floor, breathed and looked at Willow. There were still tears streaming out of the corners of her eyes, but she slowly calmed down.
Opeila knew what would follow, as soon as Willow would leave her alone. She would collaps again. Not panicking like now, but hopeless. Unsure what to do with herself. Then she started to wisper. To herself or to Willow? She wasn't sure. "How often can I fail everyone?" Her voice was shaking in pain.
@Willow Anderson
18 Mar 2020, 21:36
Running out of Air
Interacting with @Opeila Seilun
Color Code: #259986
The risk paid off, thank the Gods and Goddesses. That could've gone a lot worse with Opeila fighting back, but she seemed to be responding to what she was doing. She slowed the tapping, but didn't stop it for fear of her falling back into the sobs that seemed to haunt her. She kept holding her hands, and kept her eyes locked with Opeila's. She didn't want her to think she was leaving anytime soon now that she was coming down. Willow did move to sit more comfortably with her as she laid on the ground. Normally she'd lay down next to her but she also wanted to keep a look out for prefects and professors because getting caught past curfew didn't seem like it'd be a great situation right now.
Opeila finally was able to form a few words, the hardest thing to do while crying. Willow was thrown off by the words that came out of her mouth shaking, as if they could easily be swallowed again. How could someone her age be failing everyone... They were so young and still learning and growing with the world around them. You can't fail people when succeeding still has a very shaky definition. But maybe it was different for Opeila. She really didn't know and she was scared that she would only make her worse so she tried to choose her words carefully, her face free of judgment to make Opeila feel comfortable with her. "You probably haven't failed anyone at all Opeila. What makes you think you're failing people?" She stayed away from definitive words as she spoke.
"I don't know whether to cry or scream or do both. It feels like I've done more than enough of both. And it feels like I haven't done enough." - Mason Deaver
Stamina 12 ∴ Evasion 12 ∴ Strength 5 ∴ Wisdom 12 ∵ ArcPower 10 ∵ Accuracy 15
Stamina 12 ∴ Evasion 12 ∴ Strength 5 ∴ Wisdom 12 ∵ ArcPower 10 ∵ Accuracy 15
18 Mar 2020, 22:14
Running out of Air
Opeila didn't even think of fighting back for a second. Why should she. She didn't want to scare any more people away. Somehow she was scared that the bracelet girl could leave her. But Willow stayed with her, sitting on the ground, looking at her, holding her hands. Opeila held on to the feeling. She wasn't alone, right? She wasn't...
Opeila felt like her throat was a little clearer after she had said what bothered her so much. Like she had gotten rid of a blockade inside her that had kept her from breathing. Now there was only pain left, making her stomach tighten. She felt like there were hot stones burning her from the inside. The punishment she deserved, right?
Willow spoke again, telling her that she had probably failed no one at all. The Hufflepuff asked her what made her think that.
Again, Opeila started to panic a little. She felt ridiculous, showing so much weakness to the Hufflepuff but she couldn't help it. She couldn't fight it.
"I...I can't! Don't make me tell you...", she almost shouted the first two words, the rest of the sentence ended in a sob. "People leave me when they know. They leave me when I tell them about me. I can't... I can't tell anyone. It is bad. I am a bad person... I am a bad person..."
@Willow Anderson
Opeila felt like her throat was a little clearer after she had said what bothered her so much. Like she had gotten rid of a blockade inside her that had kept her from breathing. Now there was only pain left, making her stomach tighten. She felt like there were hot stones burning her from the inside. The punishment she deserved, right?
Willow spoke again, telling her that she had probably failed no one at all. The Hufflepuff asked her what made her think that.
Again, Opeila started to panic a little. She felt ridiculous, showing so much weakness to the Hufflepuff but she couldn't help it. She couldn't fight it.
"I...I can't! Don't make me tell you...", she almost shouted the first two words, the rest of the sentence ended in a sob. "People leave me when they know. They leave me when I tell them about me. I can't... I can't tell anyone. It is bad. I am a bad person... I am a bad person..."
@Willow Anderson
18 Mar 2020, 22:44
Running out of Air
Interacting with @Opeila Seilun
Color Code: #259986
She should've brought tea, or water or something. That would've been helpful now. She glanced at the fountain... 'No that's gross.' The thought was gone as quick as it came. What mattered is that she worked with what she had and that was her own voice, and not leaving her alone. A thought crossed her mind that she wished Flash was here, because he seemed to know her at the party, and that one lingered a bit. But he also wasn't here.
She began to panic again and Willow picked back the pace of the tapping and started the breathing. "Opeila, you don't have to tell me anything if you don't want to. But it might ease your mind. I'm not going to leave you, I promise I'm going to stay right here with you even if we're here until dawn. You're not a bad person. You're absolutely not a bad person. You're a lovely person. You have people like Flash..." Even saying his name brought up a bitterness in her stomach, but right now it wasn't about her and the issues she had with him. It was about reassuring Opeila that she had a lot of people around her. "Mildred absolutely adores you, so many people came to your birthday party. People don't show up to celebrate someone on their birthday if they think they're a bad person. I'm so grateful I met you in the ice cream parlor and I hope we can continue to get to know each other." She paused to continue mirroring breathing for Opeila. Keeping her breath steady was the most important so continue to help her calm down.
"You matter Opeila. You're not a bad person, and I'm not leaving you. But you also don't have to tell me anything. If you just want me to sit with you, and then walk you back to your dorm I can do that. Whatever you need from me Opeila, I'm here." She offered a soft smile. She understood that sometimes people didn't want to talk about what haunted them. Willow knew she didn't. If she were to talk about her own shadows she'd probably be in the same place, and she didn't want to force her further into that darkness.
"I don't know whether to cry or scream or do both. It feels like I've done more than enough of both. And it feels like I haven't done enough." - Mason Deaver
Stamina 12 ∴ Evasion 12 ∴ Strength 5 ∴ Wisdom 12 ∵ ArcPower 10 ∵ Accuracy 15
Stamina 12 ∴ Evasion 12 ∴ Strength 5 ∴ Wisdom 12 ∵ ArcPower 10 ∵ Accuracy 15
19 Mar 2020, 07:03
Running out of Air
The tapping started again. Willow promised to stay with Opeila, told her that she was a good person, that she had people like Flash...
Flash didn't know. She had given him a glimpse of her feelings in the hospital wing, but she hadn't told him about it.
The Hufflepuff mentioned Mildred, the people on the party. People didn't celebrate a bad person's birthday.
Opeila was calmer now. "They all don't know... anything. Of what I have done." More tears. Somehow Opeila was glad that it was Willow, who she met here. She wouldn't want anyone else to see her like that, someone like Flash, or Ruka, or Jack.
Willow told her that she mattered. She wasn't a bad person and Willow wouldn't leave her alone. Opeila was scared to be alone. She had been alone before she came to Hogwarts and it had seemed surreal from the beginning that people should just suddenly care about her.
She didn't feel like she deserved to be cared for. Not after what she had done. But she held on to Willow's hands like a lifeline.
Until she didn't. She felt like- not like something broke inside her. More like something would have if there was anything left to break.
Opeila sat up and wrapped her arme around the smaller Hufflepuff. Silently. She didn't say a word.
@Willow Anderson
Flash didn't know. She had given him a glimpse of her feelings in the hospital wing, but she hadn't told him about it.
The Hufflepuff mentioned Mildred, the people on the party. People didn't celebrate a bad person's birthday.
Opeila was calmer now. "They all don't know... anything. Of what I have done." More tears. Somehow Opeila was glad that it was Willow, who she met here. She wouldn't want anyone else to see her like that, someone like Flash, or Ruka, or Jack.
Willow told her that she mattered. She wasn't a bad person and Willow wouldn't leave her alone. Opeila was scared to be alone. She had been alone before she came to Hogwarts and it had seemed surreal from the beginning that people should just suddenly care about her.
She didn't feel like she deserved to be cared for. Not after what she had done. But she held on to Willow's hands like a lifeline.
Until she didn't. She felt like- not like something broke inside her. More like something would have if there was anything left to break.
Opeila sat up and wrapped her arme around the smaller Hufflepuff. Silently. She didn't say a word.
@Willow Anderson
21 Mar 2020, 23:59
Running out of Air
Interacting with @Opeila Seilun
Willow had absolutely no idea what was running through Opeila's mind but it was obviously something that she deeply struggled with. She didn't feel like now was the time to ask and pry, she definitely feel close enough to Opeila to be worthy of that knowledge and it was just her time to comfort her and lead her out of this. "Whatever you did, I'm sure it's not bad enough to have us all turn away. We've all made mistakes, and it's not our job to judge others for the ones that they've made." Her own words stung with hypocrisy as that is exactly what she had done with Flash, and she was slowly learning how much of a mistake she had made by doing that to him.
She was struggling for more words to say when Opeila suddenly sat up and hugged Willow. She quickly wrapped her own arms around Opeila, holding her tightly to emphasize that she was there and wouldn't be leaving her anytime soon. "I don't have many more words to help get you through this, it seems like you have your own battle raging on. But, I'll be here to help give you strength to fight that battle. Whether that be in the form of a hug, or someone to vent to... I'll be here for you whenever you need me Opeila." She hoped Opeila know she meant every word, if she were to ever call on her Willow would be there right away. Whatever she was going through, she didn't want her to have her go it alone she knew that pain of isolation all to well.
"I don't know whether to cry or scream or do both. It feels like I've done more than enough of both. And it feels like I haven't done enough." - Mason Deaver
Stamina 12 ∴ Evasion 12 ∴ Strength 5 ∴ Wisdom 12 ∵ ArcPower 10 ∵ Accuracy 15
Stamina 12 ∴ Evasion 12 ∴ Strength 5 ∴ Wisdom 12 ∵ ArcPower 10 ∵ Accuracy 15