Lamentation Solo Finished

Backdated: April 14th, 2020
Referencing this letter: Invitation (from Rafael D'Spacito)

After being told by Opeila to spread the word about the secret Blossom Ball around the school on Sunday, he had been shocked to receive an invitation by owl the very next day. The sender was even more of a surprise, being the Gryffindor Evelynn Decipito. He assumed she had only been interested in being associated with a Holmwood. He had only met her once, as far as he remembered, and she had left a good impression. He hardly disliked her company, so he saw no reason not to accept.

He was glad in fact, he was worried when Opeila told him she wouldn’t be taking him that he would have difficulty finding someone willing to go with him. Naturally he could have gone with one of his friends, if he were someone else. As a person in his position, it was important how he was seen in public. He had been given clear instruction on the kind of people he was meant to be seen with at social gatherings, and while fraternizing with everyone at the party was completely acceptable, the person at your side was a statement being made.

At their age, the statement was certainly not we’re dating, that was something that no one their age should be taking seriously. Well, not that Flash didn’t find himself suddenly having quite a lot of feelings about the topic. Even if one was interested in someone, that didn’t make them the ideal date for a social gathering. In fact, it was a detriment. One would be enticed to pay attention to only them, not spend the time effectively. Namely, one should spend the time building ethos and networking.

Evelynn was a good candidate for that. She had no emotional attachment to Flash’s attention, she was a beautiful and confident young lady, and she was orderly and polite. Flash could almost be impressed by how they might look standing beside each other, they would be sure to grab the imagination of many of the gathered students with their beauty and grace.

Image was incredibly important to establishing an identity as a person of interest. The cumulative effect of a good reputation could not be underestimated either, it was the key to a successful life. People were the pulse of the planet, and to understand the flow of blood was to reap the benefit of the whole supply. He imagined Miss Evelynn also understood as much, given that she recognized him for the millionaire’s son he was. He didn’t really enjoy using his family’s image to move forward. It was a large component of why he never talked about them, even going so far as to snuff out a story about his brother being published.

It just seemed so wrong, he didn’t do anything to be a Holmwood. He was just born.

Still, it was part of his duty as a member of the family to uphold its image and values, whether anyone knew what family he was from or not. Nothing bad should ever come back to the family, their livelihood depended on their continued good name. If he wanted influence and power, he had to keep his name clean, or he would have nothing at all.

Well… that was the kind of speaking he repeated to himself over and over, saying the words Marius had told him time and again. The words ‘reputation’ and ‘influence’ started to grate on his nerves. His eyes felt heavy as he walked out of his first class of the day, still so early yet he felt his energy was already drained. Restless nights. Strange feelings, suffocation. It felt like it was just becoming the natural state of things these days.

The truth was none of it really mattered. Evelynn was a cover so that he could keep an eye on Opeila for the entire ball. She would make them look good and keep the callers at bay while he made sure her date Vladimir Athanatos wasn’t literally trying to murder her or the entire student body. It would have kept anyone awake at night. He hated being so horribly powerless to do anything but watch and wait. What was he even going to do if Vladimir made a wrong move? Kill him? The entire thing was a mess. He didn’t have the tools necessary to deal with a problem as big as it was. At best he had been sure to have an evacuation plan mapped out. There was already security, but Flash was sure to draw up a diagram of the pitch's exits and give it to three prefects in particular that he trusted. Namely, Miss Gris, Miss Nico and Jack. If anything went wrong, they would direct the students to the nearest unblocked exit. If Flash was the first to see something, the signal was a bird call. It was better than nothing. There were still things he could do to mitigate his worry.

If only it helped him sleep at night as well. For that, he tried different teas, and tried going on night jogs to wear himself out. It was no use, whenever he wasn’t thinking about Opeila, he was thinking about Ruka. Enough time had passed that the initial fear and confusion had started to coagulate. He had tried to find meaning in his actions, tried to figure out what he could do to stop himself from having so many irrational thoughts, but it was a sickness. No single venture into a thought about him left without a leaping feeling from his stomach. When he thought about the kiss, his mind would go blurry, floating off into space. He could accidentally run into a wall the way it distracted his mind in its entirety.

No matter how many times he rationalized it, it all came down to hormones. Sometimes the body was just compelled by urges, as annoying as that was. Those annoying urges lived in him now, and he hadn’t discovered how to kill it off yet. It was almost a shame, it had felt so nice in the moment, but anyone would quickly see what was wrong with it, and why it wasn’t okay to have enjoyed it.

What did it matter anyway, it was in the past. Another mistake, another lesson. He had been clearing his thoughts of it, and in time he could forget about it. Getting out in the sunlight helped. When he had time in-between classes and he didn’t have a social engagement he had to keep, he would wander into the grounds just to soak up a bit of sunlight before having to delve back into the shadowy, cold walls of learning. There was already a small chill in the air, cooled by the vast cloud cover that denied him the touch of direct warmth.

It was better than collecting dust. He let his thoughts grow quieter, and let go of some of the tension he had already started holding in his shoulders. Willow introduced him to the idea of meditating, and while he didn’t understand it the same way she did, he found a lot of the techniques useful. He added in a few stretches to try to wake up the rest of his body. More aches.

It was while he was leaning far off to his side that one of the school owls swooped by dangerously close. Following it’s path with his eyes, he watched the creature flap around, trying to find a footing somewhere while still carrying a letter in one of its talons. It must have been trying to land it in his hand and missed. Was it bored, trying to do tricks?

Eventually it found itself turned around enough to drop the letter in Flash’s prepared grasp and fly back to the towering owlery in the distance. That early in the morning, he wondered if the sender was over there at that very moment. He curiously looked at the envelope, but the handwriting was unfamiliar. He had a while before his next class would start, so there was no point in putting off reading it.

Of course, he was completely unprepared for what it actually was. How could he have known? As his eyes traced the message, his visage changed dramatically, turning uncharacteristically red. What started as something innocuous became poison in his veins. He could hardly think amidst the whiplash it gave him.

A letter from Rafael, at first he spoke lightly of pleasantries, mentioning the time they shared together in the year so far. He even continued to flatter, a particular weakness of Flash’s. If the note had ended there, he would have gladly floated through the rest of the day in bliss, knowing that he was on Rafael’s mind. His heart skipped to think that he wished to see him more. He also wanted to be around him. Every time they were together, he made Flash feel like someone worth paying attention to. He was gentle, sweet. Well, at least to Flash he was.

Then as the letter continued, Flash was sent crashing down from the heavens. Rafael was asking Flash to go to the ball with him. Flash could hardly process the concept, even far after his heart reacted. Does… he also… Flash’s throat choked up the moment his thoughts caught up with him. Then, like a knife in the gut, the final line-- I suppose it would give us the chance to talk more – and, if I’m brutally honest, it would hurt to see you dancing with someone else.

Flash’s mind raced, he was too tired for this. Evelynn, Opeila, Vladimir, Ruka, Rafael… he dumbfoundedly looked at the letter, not even looking at the words, but the concept of letters to begin with. Human connection. Was it really worth it, to be a part of human society? Wouldn’t it be better to build a cabin in the woods and never leave for anything? Just never see another human being as long as you live...

Eventually, Flash was released from the grips of disassociation by the resuming of classes. He focused on the class as he always did, but in moments where his mind had a chance to wander, his heart would flutter to life like a horse being let out of the gate. He would blush involuntarily, needing to mindfully settle himself down before the flustered palpitations stopped. This was exactly the kind of thing he was trying to get rid of. When he thought back on it, hadn’t he been a bit too forward with Rafael from the start? It had been hard not to be, he had seen him in a fragile state, and handled him delicately. Flash loved the way Rafael saw him, like he was something to be protected.

Of course, it was just that. How he saw him. The truth was feelings like that were frivolous. If Rafael did like him at all, it could only be because he was misguided. It was Flash’s fault for enjoying himself too much in his company. He should have been more reserved, kept his hands to himself. He couldn’t suddenly start trying to figure out courting rituals after he had barely begun to understand friendship. Besides not even knowing where to begin, didn’t Rafael deserve someone better than him? Someone who was actually all there.

That was really all there was to it in the end. It wasn’t as if he could recant on his prior promise to Evelynn, who had been nothing but nice to him. She was the smarter option anyway. If Flash had gone to the ball with Rafael the way he was now, still not able to keep his childish crush under control, he would undoubtedly lose track of his original mission. With Rafael right next to him, paying attention to him, he didn’t know if he could keep himself in one piece. He could lose control, forget his priorities. He had to avoid the temptation altogether.

With that, the evening had arrived like the blink of an eye, nothing but classes and running thoughts. In his free time, he read through the letter over and over again, trying to pull what joy he could out of it before it all turned to sand. He would have to reply, declining his invitation. Something else to dread. The last line in particular he read over and over again, filled with the painful anticipation of Rafael’s disappointment.

He would be disappointing someone no matter who he took, so he might as well cut himself off from the most dangerous one. He knew how badly things went when he followed his emotions. Logical, calculated decisions were the only ones then panned out. All he had to do was ignore everything his heart was pleading for him to do. It should have stayed silent if it didn’t want to be broken.

Even though he was practiced in formal letter writing, every attempt at penning a response resulted in another piece of destroyed parchment. Sometimes violently ripping it up, and others just becoming such a garbled mess that they were illegible. Sometimes he gushed too much, coming off as desperate for approval, and others were too cold and impersonal. Somehow after several attempts he realized it was the hardest letter he had ever had to write in his life. Nothing seemed to hit the right balance of regretful yet appreciative. How could it, when he knew any answer at all was going to hurt him. Still, anything would be better than nothing.

He ended up spending the entire day obsessing about it, going over the details and making several drafts. At one point he stepped into the library to try to fit a literary allusion into one of his drafts before he realized that was insane. He hated himself when he was like this. Held prisoner by his emotions.

Eventually, he had to accept a final draft. He wanted to send something off before the day had ended, as a longer wait would only make the rejection worse. He took his time walking to the owlery, knowing that the moment he handed it off, he could return to the pale white void of loneliness. Detach himself of the hurt he was inflicting. It should have been easy. Someone in his position shouldn’t get so twitterpated. It would be something he had to grow an immunity to. He had to stop being so affectionate with people who were nice to him. Close off completely.

It was without any particular expression that he sent the letter away. He walked back to his dorm room without thinking much of anything, a dull boredom with life aching at his temples as he imagined trying to fight to fall asleep for another night.

Mentioning: @Evelynn Decipio @Opeila Seilun @Ruka Tân @Willow Anderson @Rafael D'Spacito