Privacy PV Ruka Tân Finished

@Opeila Seilun

Ruka was having a bad day.

Granted, he didn‘t think he had really had any good days since the Tea Party, so maybe this was less surprising than he would have liked it to be.

That morning he had skipped breakfast, had avoided everyone who could have possibly wanted to say something to him, and had come straight to the rehearsal room with a few unlit torches, dressed in a grey T-Shirt, loose grey joggers, mismatched socks on his shoeless feet and Jack‘s fedora on his head.

The hat had been his constant companion for days now and he wasn‘t going to just leave it in his dorm, not even  just to get some practice in. 

He had spent at least a couple of hours practicing a choreography his dad had taught him when he was eight, but his mind seemed to wander far too often, too far away, and where he was usually so in control of the flames, that day they wouldn‘t stop biting his skin every chance they got.

Maybe the head injury from the Tea Party had been even worse than he thought and his coordination skills had been affected, but whatever it was, it had caused Ruka‘s hands to blister, arms red, T-Shirt singed at the sleeves.

Maybe, though, the head injury had nothing to do with it, and he could only explain his lack of focus with the fact that he‘d been mostly by himself for a rough week now and had had too much time to wallow in self-pity.

Maybe the flames were punishing him for being a crybaby.

Either way, once his skin had gotten too sensitive and blistered, he had decided to call it quits for the day and had left the rehearsal room to maybe take a stroll by the lake instead.

It was a nice day out and maybe feeding the Squid was going to get his mind off things; Those giant tentacles did tend to make him think of last year‘s near death experience rather than this year‘s Valentine‘s disaster, so it couldn‘t be the worst thing to do for now.

However, it seemed the second he had reached the lake, the skies darkened, and it didn‘t take long for it to start pouring down.

So, Ruka had had to make his way back inside.

It felt like the perfect metaphor for his life at the moment: The second he thought the sun was finally shining, some rain clouds had to come along and mess it up again.

Oh well, he thought as he wandered through the corridors. There was no harm in getting some more rehearsal time in; Maybe the flames would co-operate a bit more this time around.

He returned to the rehearsal room with a sigh, gently pushing the door open and ready to go right back to his choreography, but the second the door opened he was met by the sound of a beautiful, bittersweet melody.
Slowly and carefully he closed the door behind him, moving a bit closer to the familiar figure playing the violin.

Opeila didn’t seem to have noticed him coming in, too concentrated on her instrument, so Ruka silently sat down against a wall, taking the fedora off and putting it on his lap instead, ready to applaud gently once Opeila would finish her song.

Opeila would play the whole song, emphasize the right parts and finish with the familiar feeling that she might start to cry in a second. Not sad tears. Tears of... yeah, what even? Relief? It didn't actually matter.
The feeling was gone immediately when she saw a familiar silhouette sitting against the wall watching her. "Ruka.", she said surprised. She wasn't sure if she was glad to see him. This moment she had almost felt close to her mother. This was their moment. "How long have you been here? How are you?" Had he been here before she entered and had she just not seen him? Possibly.

Her look fell on the fedora. It looked familiar to her, and then she also knew why. "Isn't that Jack's? Why do you have-", she pointed at the hat and then stopped talking. She remembered, what she had thought about Jack trying to protect Ruka. Opeila had thought that it was a good thing. How could she have been so blind? When Jack realized, that he cared about her, he just cut all the ties. He just left.
"Did... did he...?" Her chest tightened. She remembered the last letter that she had sent Jack. He hadn't replied. She had asked him if he would hurt Ruka as well.
Stop. She didn't know if he actually did. Those were just assumptions.
Opeila exhaled and put down the instrument. "What happened?"

@Ruka Tân

@Opeila Seilun

Once Opeila ended her song, Ruka clapped in appreciation, but not too loudly as not to startle the girl.
„That was beautiful,“ he said instead of answering her question on how long he‘d been there already; he didn‘t think it actually mattered that much to her. „You are really talented.“

He smiled lightly at her, feeling kind of glad to habe run into her. The Slytherin girl was quite good company, and while Ruka really didn‘t feel like being around people, he didn‘t think a little chat with her could hurt anybody.

Until she pointed out the fedora.

It was like someone had punched him in the stomach, all the nausea he‘d experienced at the Tea Party coming back to him just by watching the expression on her face. 
He thought he could almost see what she was thinking, could almost hear her voice telling him not to care about Jack if he didn‘t want to get hurt, but he shook it off, forced himself to smile and shrugged his shoulders.

„He hasn‘t really been around,“ he said vaguely, looking down at the fedora and tracing the rim of it with two fingers. He wondered if Jack wanted it back at all, or if it had been just as disposable as Ruka himself.

No, he wasn‘t going to let himself think that way.

He watched as Opeila set down her instrument, and then invitingly gave the floor next to him a pat to tell her to sit down with him for a moment. 
Her question almost made her laugh a bit, as if she really expected him to tell her of a grand showdown in which he and Jack had duelled each other for the honor of keeping the hat or something like that.

„Nothing happened,“ he answered, taking the fedora and lightly placing it on top of his messy hair. „He did something stupid and then vanished.“ He made a little sound in the back of his throat that was supposed to symbolise some sort of indifference, but he assumed Opeila could tell that he was hurting anyway.

Jack had been the one person he‘d really been able to talk to, the one person that had made him want to work on himself. And now he was gone.

Ruka was quite sure that Opeila could at least guess that he wasn‘t as unaffected as he tried to appear.

Opeila smiled a little when Ruka praised her talent with the violin. "Thanks."
She could see the pain in his face, when she mentioned the fedora and the tight feeling in her chest got worse when he said, that Jack hadn't been around.

Opeila sat down next to the Gryffindor, when he patted the floor next to him.
Whem he said that Jack did something stupid and then vanished, Opeila made a noise, something that could be taken for a weirdly high laughter, if the first year didn't press her palms on her mouth after. "That's what he does." Her voice sounded weird. It was trembling a little, but at the same time calm and quiet. It took her a few seconds to realize, how disappointed she was. "I asked him not to..." She bit her lip and then shook her head, decided not to finish that sentence. Opeila remembered the letter. The last letter, that he hadn't replied to. The letter, she had more or less asked him in, not to hurt Ruka like he did it with her. It hurt a lot that he hadn't listened. Or had he even read it? Maybe he had burned it unopened. But somehow she doubted that. Jack had just repeated his 'mistakes'.

She didn't look at Ruka. What was she supposed to tell him? That he was carrying Jack's fedora around, clearly meant that he didn't understand what happened, or, more likely, that he didn't want to realize. Opeila hesitated.
But then she decided to tell him, what it meant.

"I came to Hogwarts, open for a new life. Hoping for one.", she started. "In the muggle world I had basically been alone. Not physically, but mentally. There was no support. My dad hated what I was, my mother didn't care about, who I was.
The first person I talked to in this place, was Jack Burnett. Somehow, even though I promised myself on the train to be open, but not to trust anyone, I told him about my worries. My feelings. Because I just felt... and still feel... that we were somehow alike. He was understanding. Talking to him somehow... made me feel understood. He was the first one I told about it, after years. You are the second one, I didn't plan to tell anyone again, after what he did. And then my mother poisoned herself and now lays in the St Mungos unconscious. I don't know if she'll wake up again. I've spent days and nights reading through potions books to somehow find a way to help her. And I looked like death in person, when he saw me in the courtyard. This boy, Gem Stuart... he suggested as a joke, to brew me some draught of living death, and Jack, who hadn't listened properly, just agreed. And when he realized, he just left."
Opeila felt tears pooling in her eyes. For god's sake, she had to pull herself together, this was about Ruka, not her. Also, it still felt ridiculous to be hurting so much because of someone, she didn't really know for a long time. Wasn't it?
"He did something stupid and then... vanished.", she repeated Ruka's words. "And he didn't come back. That is what he does. And I want you to know, because you obviously haven't given up on him either."
She looked at the fedora.

@Ruka Tân

@Opeila Seilun

Ruka wasn‘t sure what to expect Opeila to say once she sat down next to him, but he definitely hadn‘t expected to hear about her own more than concerning family situation.

He listened to her story about how her mother poisoned herself, how she didn‘t know if she was ever going to wake up again, and he felt something tightening in her chest. 
Of course his own situation was less than ideal, but for however long his dad had been alive, at least he had always loved Ruka exactly how he was, randomly flaming fingertips and all. While his mum wasn‘t around, at least he didn‘t have to spend every day of his life wondering if she would ever wake up from a coma she‘d basically put herself into.

Opeila definitely had her own fair share of problems.

„That‘s horrible,“ he said genuinely, not offering any apologies as he knew Opeila didn‘t think much of them anyway. „No parent should make their kid go through something like that.“ He sighed and averted his eyes for a moment as he processed the rest of Opeila‘s words, took in everything she had to say about Jack and his tendency to just vanish. 

Ruka knew Opeila had her own history with Jack from when they had first met, but he had never tried to pry in it. He didn‘t think it was any of his business and he had never liked to mess around in other people‘s lives like that. Now, however, that Opeila had told him what their story was, he couldn‘t help but feel... underwhelmed?

For some reason he had expected there to have been a fallout, something grave that had shattered the Slytherin girl to the core, but her story was strangely... unsurprising?

However awful it was that Jack just vanished on people like that, it wasn‘t like he wasn‘t always completely upfront about his stance on any type of relationships.
Jack didn‘t want friends, that much had been clear from the start; he had walls built up far too high for anybody to climb, and what seemed like a horrible fear of letting people get close enough to be able to hurt him.

The first time they had met, Jack had told him he found it easier to make people hate him than to like him, as if he was already happy to make any impact on people at all.

Jack was a bit of a brat, alright, for leaving people who cared about him behind like that, but he had also never made any promises of friendship and loyalty in the first place.

Slowly, Ruka took the fedora off his head again, tilting his head to the side as he stared at it thoughtfully. 

„There‘s nothing to give up on,“ he said with a sad little smile. He had told Jack they didn‘t need to be friends, that they could just enjoy each other‘s company, and he still stood by that. Nothing in his being was going to go and force Jack to coming back to him again; this bond they‘d had was supposed to be beneficial for both of them, but if Jack had been scared away from it for whatever reason, who was Ruka to force him back into it?

The fact that Ruka had been spiralling downward really couldn‘t have been blamed on Jack either; he‘d already starved himself before, had had problems sleeping, had avoided social contact at all costs. Jack being there had helped it, and Jack leaving had just returned his mind to its original state.

It wasn‘t Jack‘s job to keep him sane and healthy.

The only thing that really scared him about the prospect of Jack potentially never talking to him again was the fact that the Slytherin still had his day‘s picture, probably somewhere in the Snakes‘ Common Room.

Of course, Ruka missed Jack, missed the company during meal times, missed their banter, missed the contact with someone who seemed to really understand - had Ruka been free to call him anything of the sorts, he would have probably called Jack his best friend - but caring for the Slytherin boy also meant caring about what he wanted, and if that was distance from Ruka he was just going to have to accept that.

„I don‘t expect him to come back, I‘m not stupid,“ he said lightly, eyes never straying from the fedora even as he talked to Opeila. „And I don‘t blame him. For any of it. It‘s just... different without him and that‘s going to take some getting used to again.“

Opeila shrugged, when Ruka called her situation horrible. Of course he was right. Her parents shouldn't be making her experience things like that, but after living with it for her whole life, she had stopped feeling sorry for herself long ago.
Or at least before the family situation had gotten more tense. Her mother in the coma. Her father yelling at Opeila next to his wife's bed and in the end hitting her... Slowly Opeila's hand moved to her cheek. She was sure, that it had been in the heat of the argument. Her father would have never hit her, and he surely would never do it again... But the fact that he had, woke her up. Her family was falling apart. It had been for years, she had just tried not to see it.

If Opeila knew what Ruka was thinking, she would have told him the difference. Jack had never warned her about his intentions to stay without friends. He had just far to quick started to be someone important to Opeila and she had been completely unprepared, when he had suddenly thrown it into her face. If she had been prepared... Well. Probably she would at least not have broken down next to poor Gem Stuart, who had been a witness of all the drama.

What she knew though, was, that she was hurt. Not by him leaving from the courtyard the other day, but by his obviously seriously meant announcement to take forgetfulness potion. She still wasn't sure if he had, but the fact that he'd rather forget her than facing his own feelings and thoughts... It wasn't unsurprising, but it hurt.

She listened to Ruka, who first said, that there was nothing to give up on, and then, that he knew that Jack wouldn't come back, it would just take some time to get used to being without him.
"I believe, there is.", she said, suddenly a lot quieter. "But I am not sure anymore, if it wouldn't be better if I did."
It would probably save her from a great amount of self-reproach. And get her a whole lot of different ones.
Why couldn't she just stop feeling somehow responsible for Jack, who had to make his own decisions and then eventually would grow up? It was not her job to save him from himself.

@Ruka Tân

@Opeila Seilun

Ruka just sat and stared at Jack's fedora for a long while, waiting for the girl next to him to say something, anything, but she seemed just as lost in her own thoughts as he usually was himself.
He took the moment of silence to muster Opeila curiously for a while. She seemed fragile somehow, in the dim light of the rehearsal room, not nearly as strong and confident as the girl he had talked to at the Tea Party, and for a second he almost wanted to reach out to hug her.

He didn't; His body was rejecting the mere thought of any sort of physical contact or affection, his mind racing with a crippling fear of something he didn't understand either. Was this what Jack felt each time he thought he was making too close a connection with someone? If so, then Ruka could understand why he was trying to run from it every chance he got.

People leave you, he realised in that moment, more clearly than ever before. People come into your life and make you feel good, and then, sooner or later, they just leave.

Ruka had only had two people in his life thus far who he would have trusted with everything: His dad, and Jack. And both of them were gone now, so what was the point in seeking out deeper connections if they just ended up resulting in your own heartache? 

He closed his eyes for a moment to prevent any tears from escaping him. 

As he breathed deeply, hands clutching the fedora to his chest without him even noticing it, Ruka startled slightly when Opeila finally spoke up again.
For a moment he was unsure what she was talking about, had to take a moment to retrace the conversation to make a connection between her words and whatever he had said before.

Finally he thought he understood; she was questioning whether she was supposed to give up on whatever it was she thought she still had with Jack, whatever their messed up relationship may be. Ruka looked down at the fedora again, tilting his head to the side in thought.

"I think the best you can do is respect his boundaries," he said in a perfect monotone, shoulders shrugging a little. To him it sounded a little like Opeila was trying so hard to hold on to that little piece of Jack she's been able to glimpse, that any attempt of her to reveal more of it just drove the other boy further away. He wasn't sure that giving up on him was the right solution for her either, but he doubted she would go very far trying to find a way to force herself back into Jack's life either. "That's what I'm gonna do at least. If he feels like being around me isn't good for him anymore, then who am I to try and convince him that it could be, right?"

Opeila indeed felt lost. She didn't know what to think, what to feel anymore, all she knew, was that everything that she held on to was slowly falling down a cliff.
She was no fighter. On the inside she was not the strong girl that would confidently enter errands and conversation.
Honestly, she wouldn't mind a hug. A sign of someone just caring about her a little. Maybe she was jealous of Ruka. Not that kind of jealousy that made her hate the person she was jealous of but the one that made her very sad.

She felt bad for Ruka, who she knew had no one left but Jack, but sometimes she just wished for someone caring about her the same way as her housemate did about Ruka. And Jack had cared about her. That was, why she didn't want to give up.

When she looked up again, she just saw Ruka blinking away tears and it made her want to cry as well. How could she feel so sorry for herself, when it was the Gryffindor, her friend next to her, who's fate was so much worse? Pressing her lips together she carefully reached out to the smaller boy and gently wrapped her arms around him. If he wanted to he could easily push her away.

He had said that she should respect his boundaries. He would do it. He wouldn't try to force himself back into Jack's life.
Was it that what she was? A burden on someones leg, that wouldn't fall off, no matter how hard he tried to shake it off? She didn't like that picture of herself at all.
"You're right.", she almost wispered. "But why on earth is it so hard?"

@Ruka Tân

@Opeila Seilun

Staring at the fedora in his lap, Ruka felt his mind reeling with thoughts and emotions he couldn't grasp anymore. Part of him wanted to redirect his attention on Opeila, wanted to give her as much attention as she deserved, but no matter what he tried to get himself to do or say or think or feel, he just felt... empty.
His fingers felt numb, his arms heavy, his legs were tingling with distress. 
He had no right, he thought to himself, to wallow in self pity, when the girl right next to him had very real issues going on in her home life, and was clearly distraught over her own failed attempt at friendship with Jack, but he just couldn't help himself.

At his very core he was selfish, an attribute that just came with having to survive practically on your own all your life. 

So when he felt arms wrap around him in what was clearly supposed to be a comforting hug, Ruka just tensed, fingers clutching almost desperately at the edges of Jack's fedora. He wanted to... No, he wanted to want to hug Opeila back, but his insides simply refused the gesture with a very simple thought;

The only people who had ever offered him this kind of hug had been his dad and Jack.

For a second he considered pushing Opeila away, to just move out of her reach, but he couldn't bring himself to be that abrasive. No, he simply lifted a hand to rub at his eyes, getting rid of any evidence of the tears that may have escaped if he'd let them, and then offered her a little smile.

"Letting go is always hard," he told her with a little shrug as he took the fedora and placed it on his head. He knew how true those words were, knew how much his own mind tended to cling onto even the smallest things in order to not completely let go of something he considered important to his life.

As much as he hated to admit it, he knew that carrying Jack's fedora with him wherever he went was nothing but a feeble attempt to keep the other boy in his life one way or another.

"All we can do is try and work on making it alright again sometime." He shrugged, rolling his shoulders a little as the position he'd stayed in throughout their conversation made his spine tense a little. "But I believe that it's gonna be alright again sometime. For both of us. No matter what happens. It'll be alright again."