Please Don't Shut Me Out PV Ana Finished

@Ivy Bellamy

Nothing felt real anymore. Ana honestly had no idea how long it had been since her mother's death and quite frankly, she didn't care enough to figure it out. Her aunt checked in on her every day or two, since apparently her and Ana's uncle were legally her guardians now. It made no difference to Ana since she never spoke to Daphne. She hadn't really spoken to anyone since then. Kilsey, the house-elf, still spoke to her and made sure she was eating, but Ana couldn't remember the last time she had actually spoken to another living being. Unless you counted screaming at the walls and the voices in her head chanting that she was to blame for all that had happened, Ana had had almost no human interaction in a month.

It was the afternoon now, Ana could tell by the heat and the sandwich that Kilsey had set on her desk a few minutes ago. She stood and began to pick at the crust before taking a small bite and forcing herself to swallow. Everything seemed pointless and insane. Her relationship with both of her parents had been complicated if you could call cursing at each other and being disowned complicated. However, by no means had she wanted her mother to be murdered, and certainly, she hadn't wanted her father to take the blame.

What was worse was Ana couldn't remember anything beyond the green flashes. She had opened the front door, and next thing she remembered, she was sobbing over her mother's body and Aurors were there. If she had been her normal curious self, she would have been doing everything she could to remember those suppressed moments. One way or another, they could help to answer a lot of questions. Except Ana wasn't sure that those were questions she needed answered. And if they were, she had no interest in doing so. She had no interest in anything it seemed. Letters from her friends and nosy apologetic purebloods piled up near her window, but she couldn't bring herself to actually look at any of them.

Doing anything other than moping around felt wrong, as though she was ignoring her mother's death. There had been a small funeral with just Ana and her aunt, uncle and cousins, which was both a blessing and a curse. It being small meant that it was still fairly under wraps that Mrs. Beckett was even dead and Ana didn't have to deal with people trying to comfort her or nose around after the Beckett money. It also meant that Ana felt like she had cheated her mother out of a proper goodbye. Athena had had friends and a life! She had had people outside of the family that cared about her and none of those people knew for certain that she was gone.

As she picked at her sandwich, she heard knocking on the door. It wasn't her aunt since her aunt had keys and usually used the back door anyway. Ana had no idea who it was and furthermore, didn't care to find out who it was. There had been people at the door before, and they would usually go away when Ana ignored them. Whoever this was was more persistent. After the second round of knocking, Ana heard the door open. Probably good old Kilsey.

"H-hhh-hullo there, Miss," she heard the elf greet whoever it was. Her curious nature wasn't completely dead, and it sparked enough for Ana to abandon the sandwich she was abusing and venture to the stairwell. Her bedroom was on the second floor towards the end of a long hall, and as she padded towards the stairs, she glanced down to see if she was even remotely acceptable for human interaction.

She wasn't. At all.

She wore a large dark green sweater that was past her knee. It had been her mother's when she had been pregnant with Ana. Ana had found it and broken down into sobs when she had smelled her mother's scent that still lingered on the woven garment. She was also wearing a wildly mismatched pair of socks that she had no idea where she'd gotten. However, her sloppy outfit was nowhere near the most disturbing part of her appearance. Her normally perfectly styled hair was rumpled and in a low ponytail that had been slept in at least once. What was the worst was her eyes. Their notorious sparkle was replaced and they were dull and red from crying. To anyone who had ever encountered the girl, her disheveled appearance would cause almost as much alarm as the shattered look in her eyes. If Ana had cared about anything anymore, she never would have even considered being seen like this.

She wasn't sure when she slept or even if she'd slept since that night since everything had blurred together. The mental fog and headaches seemed to be constant, and she wasn't sure if it was crying or exhaustion causing it. "M-m-mmmiss, she won't want to see you. S-sshe won't see anyone," she heard the elf stutter as she reached the top of the stairs. The elf was right of course, Ana didn't want to see anyone. So why was she lingering at the top of the stairs deciding whether or not to descend?

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@Anastasia Beckett

Whoever said rumours were like wildfire was only partly correct. Like wildfire, they were destructive and uncontrollable, but no one ever knew that. Everyone thought that they had the correct story, when only one person did. No, it was more like a game of Chinese whispers, thought Ivy. It wasn't until the very end that the truth was revealed, and only one person could reveal it: wherever and whoever the rumour had stemmed from. It was because of this that Ivy had arrived on the Becketts' doorstep, determined to find out the true story for herself rather than trust the gossip that had spread quickly throughout England. Everyone had a different version of the story, each more terrible than the last, and the Gryffindor did not want to make any assumptions, especially when the rumours were about her friend.

Her aunt and uncle did not know she was here. Ivy hadn't asked, but she had known they would have refused had she requested to visit Ana. Their reputation mattered the most to them out of everything else, and since the Becketts were shrouded in mystery nowadays, with hateful whispers of murder and money following them around, it simply "wouldn't do" to be affiliated with them. No, the Grahams all thought she was in Diagon Alley, picking up some school supplies. None of them had wanted to come with her, seeing as there was a dinner party that night to be preparing for, and so now Ivy was only hoping that she hadn't made the walk across West London for nothing.

She was about to give up when the door opened - just a crack - but instead of her friend standing in the doorway was a house elf in her place, looking up at her shyly and stammering a greeting. Disappointment flashed across her face for a second, before being replaced with a slightly more amiable expression. This was the Becketts' house elf, wasn't it? Ivy remembered the mention of her in one of Ana's letters. Shiz, Jaz is attacking our house elf again... yes, she was almost certain that this was the one... surely she knew about Ana. "Hello. You're Ana's house elf, aren't you? Is she home? Can I see her?" Ivy tilted her head, twisting her neck sideways in an attempt to see past the elf into the house, but she couldn't see anyone. Huh, maybe Ana had left.

But then the elf said something else, something that made Ivy narrow her eyes at her suspiciously and look even harder for her doppelganger. She won't want to see you. That meant Ana was home. The elf was also looking up into a corner behind her nervously, head swivelling between Ivy and whatever she was looking at quickly. Something was wrong. She shook her head and straightened her shoulders, putting a foot in the doorway just in case the house elf tried to shut it. "No. I'm sure she'll want to see me." A voice in the back of her mind told her that she was being overconfident... if anything, Ana would want to see Rafa or Ruby or Eyre. One of her friends. Certainly not Ivy, not someone who was probably the result of an affair between her mother and Ana's father. "Please, I need to know she's ok."

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@Ivy Bellamy

The elf wrung its hands nervously and glanced around. There really wasn't any question as to whether or not Ana was okay. She was very much not. The elf trembled slightly as it tried to figure out a non-offensive way to tell the doppelganger to leave. Of course, its main loyalty was to the Beckett family, but it knew better than to risk offending another Pureblood. "M-m-miss, it isn't just you, Miss Beckett hasn't wanted to see anyone in weeks," the elf stammered, shaking its head as it spoke.

Ana stood at the top of the stairs, listening to the encounter, still undecided on the subject of going down. She hadn't seen or spoken to anyone in nearly a month. She wasn't even opening any of the letters anymore. She had read one too many of coying false sympathy trying to sniff out gossip and was now just letting the mail pile up. If it was anything important, the elf would give it to her aunt, but for the most part, the letters just sat collecting dust and occasionally being attacked by Jaz.

Ana chewed on the inside of her cheek until she tasted blood as she contemplated her options. She could just go back to her room and let Kilsey deal with this. It wouldn't do much to convince Ivy that she was perfectly fine, but it would certainly work better than if Ivy actually saw Ana in her current state. Ana had resolved to go back to her room, but her feet seemed to have made a different choice. She crept down the stairs until the door was in view from the main hall. Her puffy eyes took a moment to adjust since she hadn't so much as opened a curtain upstairs in weeks.

The elf glanced over its shoulder when it heard her reach the bottom of the stairs, and its round eyes widened in surprise. Ana really didn't want to talk to anyone, but it appeared that she had committed to this, so she would have to kind of roll with it. She would just assure Ivy that she was alright and then close the door. Not that anyone in their right mind would believe that Ana was alright or even close, but maybe that would satisfy Ivy. In Ana's mental and emotional fog, the plan seemed solid and logical or at least somewhat resembling solid and logical as she approached the door.

"Kilsey, it's alright," she said as she reached the door before glancing at Ivy. "What do you want?" Her voice was raw and definitely sounded like she had been crying. She crossed her arms across her abdomen as though she was shielding herself by putting some small barrier between her and her doppelganger. Her dark eyes searched Ivy's grey ones. She couldn't stand to think about Ivy and what she represented right now. It wasn't just the possibility that her father was unfaithful, which was fairly common in the Pureblood world as long as it was kept somewhat quiet. Ivy was a symbol of all of the things that Ana didn't know about her father, which included the very real likelihood that he had been the one to kill her mother. She refused to believe that. She just couldn't.

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@Anastasia Beckett

"M-m-miss, it isn't just you, Miss Beckett hasn't wanted to see anyone in weeks."

Ivy's head snapped up, grey eyes narrowing at the elf. Her reply was slightly delayed, as a result of her trying to process what she had just heard. "Weeks? Did you say weeks?" she asked incredulously, tone holding a note of panic. Her brows knitted together as she tried to put together the pieces of the puzzle she had been given. Weeks... she hasn't seen anyone in weeks. What happened to you, Ana? Her stomach dropped and she swallowed the fear rising in the back of her throat, trying to stay confident enough to get to the bottom of this. Ivy was getting the feeling that something beyond terrible had happened to Ana.

The sound of footsteps drew nearer to them, and a familiar figure stepped into view, assuring the elf that "it was alright". Relief died, replaced by worry and panic, as Ivy realised that everything was not "alright" with just one look at Ana. First of all, she was wearing an oversized sweater and mismatched socks. Ana didn't necessarily dress in semi-formal clothing all the time like the other pureblood girls, but her clothing, although casual, was always kept in place at the very least. This outfit was messy, abnormal for someone as vain as Ana.

But it wasn't just the clothes.

Ana looked terrible. Her dark hair had been pulled into a low-effort ponytail, which looked like it had been slept in, and the puffiness of her red-rimmed eyes suggested crying. The worst part, though, was how defeated she looked. This was the girl who had been set on fire and woken up three days later completely fine. The shattered look in her eyes broke Ivy's heart. Ana looked like someone who had given up, and Ana never gave up.

"I - I - I -" Ivy couldn't seem to be able to form the words to explain why exactly she was here. She had prepared what she was going to say on the way here, and now she couldn't remember a single word. What could she say? I just wanted to see you sounded creepy, I needed to see if you were ok sounded lame.

Before she knew what she was doing, Ivy stepped forwards, threw her arms around Ana's neck and hugged her. This was perhaps a very bad idea, to give Ana a hug right now. She had no way of knowing how the older girl would react, if she would lash out or scream at her or simply accept the hug. "Oh Ana, what happened?" she choked, voice slightly muffled by Ana's shoulder.

OOC: feel free to shake Ivy off or knock her to the ground here.

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@Ivy Bellamy

The girl bit her lip as Ivy took in her disheveled appearance. If any part of her had been anything other than completely and utterly exhausted, she would have been defensive or possibly even offended at Ivy's clear shock. She knew that she was a mess, no matter what aspect you were talking about. The small nagging voice from years of Pureblood upbringing was scolding her for this, but she didn't have the energy to even fully dismiss it. Instead, she focused all her energy on the girl in front of her. On her sister. God, no, she couldn't think that.

Sighing slightly, she met Ivy's eyes again for a moment before glancing away. She could already tell that coming downstairs had been a terrible idea. She should have stuck with her instincts and let the elf deal with it. Ivy wasn't the first person who had come around looking for Ana or her parents, and she wouldn't be the last. Ana had been able to let her elf or her aunt deal with all of the others, so why had she come to speak to Ivy? The part of her that was beginning to believe in fate and people being connected wondered if that was an explanation, but Ana refused to acknowledge it. She was willing to believe that she was maybe a little lonely after so many weeks of isolation, that had to be the explanation.

Ivy seemed to have lost the ability to form words, yet another thing that would have made Ana embarrassed or angry if she cared enough, but instead just made her glance away from Ivy again. Her distraction meant she was incredibly startled when Ivy flung her arms around her. Her family wasn't really the affectionate sort, and even after two years of hugs from her friends, hugs weren't something that Ana was entirely comfortable with. Ana stiffened for a moment, before taking a step back while pushing Ivy away. "Nothing," she said firmly, as though saying it would make it true and everything would be okay again. "Nothing happened. What are you doing here?" Her normally authoritative and confident voice was raspy and broken as she spoke. Yet another thing that she would have been self-conscious about normally that was meaningless now.

Something Ivy had said sparked something in Ana. Her inquiry as to what had happened made Ana consider for the first time the rumors that had to be going around about her and her family. What were people even saying? For a moment, she felt a prang of guilt for ignoring all of her friends and leaving them nothing but insane rumors to go off of, but she pushed back the thoughts. It wasn't like anyone cared enough about her for that to really affect them, anyway.

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@Anastasia Beckett

The hug had taken Ivy herself by surprise. She wasn't one to display such affection so openly and she certainly didn't receive hugs too much herself. Ivy didn't quite know why her first instinct upon seeing Ana's pitiful appearance was to give her a hug - although perhaps it was something to do with the fact that she had no idea what to say to the girl. The speech she'd prepared had died in her throat at the sight of her; the empty, shattered look in her brown eyes scared her - what could have possibly happened to Ana for the fire to die out? Ivy's mind was running wild with all sorts of terrible theories, and she had to remind herself not to overreact or overthink it too much. Perhaps Ana had just had a bad night. But that didn't add up to the crazy rumours, the unanswered letters, the way that it wasn't just Ivy who'd been shut out.

Ana stiffened in her embrace and pushed her away, throwing her off balance. Startled, Ivy stumbled backwards for a few steps before regaining her composure and listening to Ana's next words. She wanted to scoff at her insistence that "nothing happened", but restrained herself from doing so. It was clear that her doppelganger was not especially pleased by her arrival, judging by the questions she'd asked and the way she had pushed her away. Scoffing would not help her case, although Ivy didn't believe Ana's claim for one second.

Disbelief and perhaps a little anger clouded her features at her next question. Was she serious? Did this question even need answering? Ana had disappeared on multiple people all at the same time without explaining why, people who cared about her. With all the rumours spreading fast throughout London, did she really think no one would come looking for her eventually? Letters clearly were not working. "What do you mean, what am I doing here?" Ivy tried to keep the sharpness out of her voice, but the hurt and frustration seeped in regardless. Nearly a whole month of worrying and confusion and not knowing what had happened had been building up inside of her, and it took all her effort not to unleash it all at once. Still, concern dominated her tone. It was hard to be angry at someone who looked so tired and drained. "Ana, you've been MIA for ages! You're the talk of the town, but no one actually knows what's happened. Do you know how many rumours I've heard, how much gossip surrounds your name? And what's this about you not seeing anyone for weeks?" She stopped, taking a breath to calm herself. Her speech had become quick and frantic, hands moving wildly to illustrate her point.

"Look..." She sighed and took a tentative step closer to Ana. "I don't know if it's any of my business, but you're worrying me. Whatever it is, I'm sure... I'm sure we can figure it out."

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@Ivy Bellamy

God, why did Ivy look angry at her now? Ana desperately wished she could say that she was surprised at that, but truth be told, it was a look she knew well. Anastasia Beckett was the queen of disappointing others and making people angry at her. However, Ivy's reply confused her. The way she spoke, one would have thought it obvious that, when someone claimed that they cared about someone else, actually looking out for their wellbeing entailed. Obviously, that was not the truth.

Ana's parents claimed to care about her and one another and look how that had turned out... Ana's aunt claimed to care about her, but even in her sorry state, Ana knew her aunt's choice to stay in Beckett Manor had a great deal more to do with Daphne having issues with her husband and the fact that the manor was far nicer than her own residence than it did with her devastated niece. Everyone had some kind of ulterior motive.

Ivy's tone made Ana's stomach turn. Perhaps there were other sentiments in it, but what Ana heard was pity. The last thing she wanted. At this point, the only thing she really had left was her dignity (although that was somewhat debatable) and she most definitely didn't want or need pity from anyone. "My family's generally the talk of the town, that's what tends to happen when you're someone of note," Ana snapped. "And maybe I'm just tired and not in the mood to socialize." Normally, that type of wit would sound perfectly natural coming from Ana, but that day, it just sounded stiff, rehearsed even.

Her emotions threatened to choke her and yet simultaneously she felt numb. Everything hurt and she couldn't feel anything. Seeing Ivy wasn't helping matters. If anything, it was making the older girl unravel further. Obviously, she couldn't frolic about telling people what had actually happened, so what was she supposed to do?

"I'll make it easy for you, it's not your business," Ana replied coldly. "And there's nothing for you to worry about, as there's nothing going on. I'm fine."

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@Anastasia Beckett
sorry for the wait!

The more Ana went on, the stupider Ivy felt for coming. Her friend was right. High-status pureblood families such as the Becketts were often discussed in the wizarding community; a little bit of gossip wasn't uncommon. It wasn't like she had no experience in being the topic of interest herself - her own family had been talked about a fair number of times over the years as well. Except... well, Ivy was more than happy to believe that the Becketts were simply caught up in a bit of nasty gossip, spread by a jealous rival. She was more than happy to admit that she had been slightly overdramatic, and to apologise for wasting Ana's time. But now she'd seen Ana, and the nagging little voice in her head that whispered that something was different this time, something had actually gone wrong this time, was growing louder by the minute.

Ivy may not have been exceptionally close with Ana, but she liked to think she knew the girl well enough to know she'd never treat a concerned friend like this under normal circumstances. The more Ana tried to pretend she was fine, the less it seemed that way. But what could have happened? There were all sorts of weird rumours floating around, and Ivy refused to believe any of them. Although she doubted she would get the truth out of Ana today. Her friend's expression was cold and unreadable, emotions carefully locked away as she claimed that she was 'fine'. Ivy's frustration rose again, although she took care not to let it show. All she wanted to do was help, and it was clear Ana needed it, but she couldn't force her to tell her the truth.

There was a lengthy pause of tense silence as Ivy took a deep breath and let it out shakily, focusing her grey eyes on the ground. She had no idea what she was supposed to say now. It was obvious that Ivy's presence was unwanted. Even though she wanted to help, there was really nothing she could do. But still... it felt like she was pushing her away for no reason. Ivy couldn't understand the situation at all, and even worse, Ana wasn't letting her understand. "I'm sorry," she finally said quietly. "I shouldn't have come here and barged in here. I'll leave now." Ivy swallowed the sudden lump in her throat.

"Look," she continued, "you're under no obligation to tell me what happened. But I know something happened, and I'll always be here for you even if I don't know what it is, because you're my friend and I care about you." Her voice shook, and she hated herself for it. She was never this open about how much she cared, and it made her nervous. "Ok?" She would search Ana's face for her reaction. If none was given, she would sigh and step back onto the street to head home. "Take care, Ana," were her departing words.

Ivy leaves the thread unless stopped.

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@Ivy Bellamy

Finally, Ivy seemed to recognize that Ana didn't want to open up, despite how desperately she might need to. Ana knew that once she let a fraction of the truth out, the dam she had built would come crashing down, and all of the built-up pain and hurt from the past several months would come flooding out. She couldn't allow that, not if she wanted to survive. Because maybe actually dealing with things would allow her to feel alright, there really wasn't any telling. What was more likely though was that it would crush her.

"No, you shouldn't have," Ana agreed tartly. "You mean well, I'm sure, but it's truly none of your business and as I reiterated, I'm perfectly and utterly fine." The words threatened to choke her as she formed them, but they exited her lips without any indication of her internal struggle. Put on a brave face. Don't let anyone see you bleed. Ana was old enough, had heard these phrases enough time, that they were like a mantra she was clinging to.

"You're right. I'm under absolutely no obligation to tell you any of the intimate details of my private life," Ana said, doing her best to appear haughty and most likely utterly failing. Ivy's next words made the older girl's eyes water and she blinked frantically to compose herself. Always was a lie. Ana knew this from every experience that she had ever had. Even if people meant the promise, which they seldom did, they always failed. Ana knew she wasn't worth an always to anyone, seeing as she clearly wasn't worth it to her parents.

"If you're telling the truth, you're a fool, Ivy," Ana said quietly but with complete conviction. It would have almost been convincing if Ana's voice hadn't broken on the last word. On the name of her friend, and sister. Still, the moment Ivy stepped back, Ana shut the door, leaving Ivy's farewell to meet a taciturn wooden recipient. Inside, Ana let out a quiet sob and buried her face in her hands as her back slid down the door until she was sitting on the cold marble floor of the foyer, weeping.

END OF THREAD